


chase the sky

by overwhelmedbysonder



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Dan Howell, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Sad Phil Lester, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-03-01 16:32:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13298814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overwhelmedbysonder/pseuds/overwhelmedbysonder
Summary: "I promised you I was going to get you out of here.  I promised you we’d chase the sky.  We can't do that until you get better, Phil.  I know it’s hard, and I know it hurts…but I’m fucking sick of this room, and if I am, I KNOW you are too.  We’ve got to get you into the world, before you forget how good it is out there."Or, the one where Phil is still struggling with depression, PTSD, and being a mute in recovery, and Dan still just wants to hug him.(Or, alternatively known as the sequel to Restless).





	1. Chapter 1

“Phil, can you say the alphabet for me, please?” Doctor Nicholas asked without even looking up from his notes, his hand scribbling quickly over the paper.

Dan squeezed his hand as Phil closed his eyes for a moment. It hadn’t even been 24 hours since Phil had said his first words in years, and he could tell that it was becoming incredibly overwhelming for him already.

Yesterday was a complete blur. Once Phil had shocked everyone by speaking, there had been lots of cheering and celebrating before everyone was quite fiercely pushed out of the room, insisting that Phil needed space to come to terms with this development.

Dan couldn't say he had disagreed. Phil’s eyes had quickly become more and more hazy as he took in the people surrounding him with shouts of joy, and he began to shut down quicker than Dan could have imagined. 

Once everyone was ushered out of the room, Phil wrapped himself around Dan, and refused to move, his eyes shut tightly, face pressed against Dan’s neck and fists clenched. Doctor Nicholas had accepted that he wasn't getting anything else out of Phil that day, and so he left, leaving just Dan and Phil alone.

With lots of whispered words of encouragement and kisses pressed to anywhere Dan could reach, he had been able to coax Phil out of his shoulder and onto the bed, where they had laid for hours, both of them coming to terms with the day’s events. Phil hadn’t opened his mouth again until Dan had gotten up to leave, and even then Dan could barely even make out the whispered goodbye because it was so low.

Coming back today though, had been different. The minute he walked into the room Phil was sitting on the couch, smiling hesitantly and murmuring hello in a croaky, painful sounding voice that made Dan’s heart swell.

A gigantic smile spread across his face and Phil grinned back, standing up and running into Dan’s arms, squeezing him tightly.

“I was so worried that I’d come back today and you would be silent again, Philly, holy fuck.” Dan murmured.

Phil kissed his cheek as he pulled away. “No. Never.”

Dan pressed his forehead against Phil’s, breathing deeply for a moment.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, as he started to lead Phil to the couch.

Phil shrugged, falling down and leaning against Dan immediately. He cleared his throat and opened his mouth to answer before Dan cut him off.

“You know, I’m thrilled that you’re talking again, don't get me wrong, but you need to take it slow, okay? If you feel like it’s too much, you just zip it and lock it, put it in your pocket, okay Lester?”

Phil cocked his head to the side, clearly confused as Dan chuckled.

“Sorry. Stupid saying Nurse Alison says. Basically, if you need to not speak for a while, then don’t. I love you, and I’ll still love you no matter if you’re silent, a chatterbox, or feel the need to only speak Russian, okay?”

Phil snorted. “Dan, I don't even speak Russian.” 

Dan widened his eyes. “Well, you’ve been in here for years! How am I supposed to know what you’ve spent your time doing?!”

Phil laughed again, pressing a thumb absentmindedly into Dan’s dimple. “Nothing, really. Nothing until you.”

Dan reached up and put his hand over Phil’s for a moment, sitting in comfortable silence before leaning into kiss him, when the door burst open.

“Right, I’ve let you catch up but please Phil, I need to start running some tests or I’m going to be called a neglectful doctor. Dan, help me out here?” Doctor Nicholas pleaded, standing in the doorway with a desperate look on his face.

Phil swallowed loudly before looking at Dan. “You’ll stay?” he whispered.

Dan decided to basically give zero fucks about Nicholas in that moment before grabbing Phil’s face and kissing him softly, lips moving together in synchronicity before pulling away.

“Always.”

Phil blinked, clearly in a daze as he stood up to face Doctor Nicholas, who was watching them with an exasperated look on his face.

“Thank god. Let’s do this.” Doctor Nicholas mumbled as he started dragging in his equipment.

And so the tests began. Phil’s throat was checked, his heart and breathing and temperature taken before the talking started. They made him read aloud. Answer questions. Describe the colours he could see in various paintings, explain the premise of his favourite television show. Count backwards from 50, sing a nursery rhyme (he had point blank refused that one), rate the pain in his throat on a scale of 1-10 about eighteen times since they began. They made him speak in the high pitched, squeaky voice of a mouse, or the low, booming voice of Darth Vader. Dan did his best to keep things fun, joining in with Phil whenever he could and making him laugh, but it was getting tiresome now. 

“Phil, can you say the alphabet for me, please?” Doctor Nicholas asked without even looking up from his notes, his hand scribbling quickly over the paper.

Dan squeezed his hand as Phil closed his eyes for a moment. He breathed in and out deeply, before he gritted his teeth and started in a whisper.

Doctor Nicholas didn't even let him get to D before he stopped him. 

“Louder, Phil.”

Phil stopped, a murderous look coming across his face as his hands clenched into fists. His eyes were beginning to water, and Dan saw red before turning to the doctor in fury.

“Doc, he’s done everything you've asked him, but he's clearly exhausted and in pain. You aren't being fair to him. No more.”

Doctor Nicholas looked up in surprise, seeing as Phil looked down, clearly trying to hide the tears now rolling down his face. He looked at Dan, who stared back at him stonily, holding Phil’s hand tightly and refusing to back down.

The doctor sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. “Phil, I’m sorry. I may have gotten carried away here.”

Phil nodded tersely, still not making eye contact.

“Seriously, Phil, I’m sorry. This is what we’ve been working for for years, and I was just so excited to get these results I didn't think about you. I apologise. Dan, you too.”

Dan knew immediately that the doctor meant what he said, and so he sighed dramatically rubbing his thumb across the back of Phil’s hand. “Doc, we all make mistakes, don't worry. But it’s enough now. You’ve had your fun, now let us go start Buffy from Season 1, okay?”

Phil smiled, nodding his head and looking back up at Dan, who stuck his tongue out at him. Doctor Nicholas watched with a smile.

“Phil, I’m so happy you've got someone around to tell me when I’m in the wrong. I’m going to bring in some crushed ice for you to suck on, it will help your throat, okay? I’m really sorry, Phil.”

Phill looked at Doctor Nicholas, a small smile on his face as he nodded. With a hand to Dan’s shoulder, he stood and left the room. 

Dan turned to Phil immediately. “You okay?”

Phil nodded again, reaching for Dan and pulling him into a tight hug. Dan ran his fingers up and down his back as he felt both of their tensions melt away. He kissed his temple lightly and pulled him up, walking over to the bed.

“Right, I say we close the blinds, make it super dark in here, get under the blankets and put Buffy on. When Nick comes back in with your ice, I reckon if you ask politely he’d even make us some microwave popcorn because he feels that bad. What do you say?”

The next few days were a blur. Dan would come in and spend the day with Phil, Nicholas running some tests at some point before leaving them to their own company. Phil was speaking more and more each day, at first only to Dan and Doctor Nicholas during tests but now saying hello to each Nurse that walked into the room. Nurse Alison had had to leave several times in floods of tears while Dan held his sides and laughed loudly.

It had almost been a full week since his party and he and Phil were sitting on the couch, tangled up together and laughing quietly as Dan told Phil about the strange woman he sat next to on the tube this morning. Phil had his head resting on Dan’s chest, sniggering quietly as Dan recounted the way she had yelled at him for looking in her direction.

They sat in silence for a while, Dan running his fingers through Phil's hair and humming softly as Phil closed his eyes.

“Hey Phil,” Dan murmured quietly, almost hoping he was asleep.

“Hmm,” Phil replied.

Dan cursed silently to himself, already regretting bringing this up and hoping it didn't freak Phil out.

“If you don't want to talk about it, tell me to fuck off, okay? But I was just kind of wondering, could you maybe tell me a little bit of what was going through that head of yours all these months?”

Dan held his breath as Phil sat up, twisting himself around to look Dan in the eye.

“Dan, it’s okay, of course you can ask. I don't really know if any of this will make sense, though…”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Lester, I could understand you when you were mute. Try me.”

Phil laughed, nodding his head. “True.”

“I…I was sad, Dan. Really sad. And lonely, and numb. I didn't really care about anyone or anything. It’s not that I just decided to not look or speak to anyone - I really couldn’t. Just breathing was difficult. I was so lost. And then you came in.”

“And to be honest…to start with I couldn’t even tell who you were. Not just you, anyone. I was so out of it I couldn't focus on who was trying to get through to me anymore, it was just another faceless person speaking about things that I couldn't concentrate on.

“But then, you started talking. And you told me a story. And that…that was easier. You weren't trying to talk to me, I wasn't failing you by not responding, you didn't expect me to…you were just telling a story. And all of a sudden, I wasn't fighting myself anymore. I was too busy listening to the random story of you getting a Christmas Tree up your butt and breaking your ankle. It was easy. And then you started to leave, and all I could think was….don’t go. It was easier with you..everything has always been easier when you’re here. You distracted me from myself. So I reached for you. And you came back.”

Phil cleared his throat, closing his eyes. “I don't even know how I did it. How I reached for you, I mean. I’d spent months trying to get myself to look at someone, or reach for someone, and I couldn't do it. It felt like I was still there, and so was my body, but they weren't connected, you know?”

“It was like, I was so lost, and even though I was trying to find a way out, I couldn't until you were here. And then it was like the way out of my head appeared right in front of me because I didn't want you to leave. It went away and I was lost again, but for a moment, it was there. And every time you came back, it’s like I did as well. Piece by piece.”

Phil opened his eyes again to see Dan sitting there, tears rolling down his face freely. He felt a tear hit his own cheek and he smiled, staring into the brown eyes he dreamt about every night.

“Dan, you saved me, over and over and over again. You dragged me out of my own head everyday. You never wanted me to be anything other than what I was. You make me want to be here…I love you so much.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Good morning, you absolute spork,” Dan laughed as he wandered into the room, grinning at Phil who was upside down, balancing perfectly in a headstand with a bright red, smiling face.

“Morning,” Phil replied, carefully lowering his legs to the ground before kneeling upright, holding out his arms for a hug.

Dan scoffed. “Jesus, I just get in and I’m already being used for my body. Phil Lester exposed, ladies and gentlemen. A complete brat.”

Phil’s tongue poked out the side of his mouth in a smug smile as Dan bent down and wrapped his arms around him firmly. Dan pulled away and pushed his fingers through Phil’s fringe, smiling fondly at the boy still kneeling in front of him with a lopsided grin.

“Complete brat, I’m telling you.” Dan murmured quietly as Phil closed his eyes in contentment, his head resting against Dan’s thighs.

They sat in silence for a moment.

“I saw a squirrel today,” Phil mentioned offhandedly, his eyes still shut.

Dan blinked, before bursting into sudden laughter. “I’m still not used to you speaking. Just randomly telling me about your day. It’s amazing. How was the squirrel?”

Phil opened his eyes and grinned at him. 

“He’s great. I named him Seth. He’s building a nest just outside in that tree over there, see?”

Dan turned to look at the nest. “I mean, to be fair, that looks cozy as fuck and also aesthetically pleasing. Seth’s got both style and comfort. I’d sleep there.”

When he turned back, Phil was gazing at him in wonder.

Dan frowned. “What?”

“I don't know. It’s just…people used to think the things I would say were stupid. But you don't even seem like you notice, you just go along with it. It’s nice.”

Dan pulled him up to stand, and then leaned in and kissed him firmly. 

“I’m not just going along with it. I love it. There is nothing I want to hear about more that Seth the squirrel and his nest adventures, as well as whatever else you want to tell me, okay? I’ve spent far too long trying to guess what you're thinking about, Phil Lester. Don't make me guess anymore. I want to hear it all, the weird, the weirder, and the weirdest. Okay?”

Phil smiled at him, leaning in to kiss him again. “Love you,” he whispered.

“Love you more, Lester. Love you more.”

——————————————————————————————————————————

“BOO!”

“FUCKING COCK-SUCKING POTATO NUGGET,” Dan screamed as his legs gave way and he fell to the floor in shock.

He laid on the ground for a moment while he caught his breath, hearing Phil absolutely cackling with laughter above him.

“Fuck you, four-eyes. There was no need for that shit.” He grumbled as he took Phil’s outstretched hand.

Phil was giggling like mad. “I didn't know you’d just drop like that!” He reached his arms out and hugged Dan tightly as Dan pouted. 

“You’re so mean to me,” he whined as he let Phil cuddle him.

“Knock knock!” 

They both turned and saw Louise and PJ at the door, grins on their faces. 

”Mind if we pop in for a bit?” Louise asked.

Phil shook his head, waving them in and Dan pouted some more.

“Only if you're going to be nice to me. Phil’s being a bully.”

PJ scoffed. “This guy? A bully? You’re mental, Howell. He couldn't hurt a fly.”

“He just nearly broke every bone in my body!” Dan exclaimed.

Phil snorted. “I didn't know you were such a scaredy-cat, Dan,”

Dan ignored both Louise and PJ’s faces lighting up at the sound of Phil’s quiet but steady voice. 

“Am not,” Dan mumbled, feeling slightly appeased as he felt Phil press his lips to Dan’s cheek in apology.

“Phil…it’s so good to see you,” Louise told him, her voice quivering.

Phil looked at Dan, a small, hesitant smile spreading across his face. He took Dan’s hand and squeezed it once, twice, and then looked straight at her and PJ.

“Lou…Peej…” he stopped and cleared his throat for a moment.

“It’s so good to be here. I mean, really here. Thank you for being here too.”

———————————————————————————————————————

“Phil, I’m still upset you refused to sing nursery rhymes the other day.”

Phil snorted and rolled his eyes at Dan, pulling him impossibly closer. The two were tangled up together on the couch, listening to music playing from Dan’s phone while Dan was drawing a space sloth, on Phil’s request.

“I mean, seriously! I would have loved to have heard you belt out a few hits. Could you give me a private concert?”

Phil swatted Dan’s arms and laughed. “I couldn't sing before when I had a proper voice. Let alone now, when I sound like I’ve swallowed 8 hedgehogs."

“You don't sound that bad,” Dan argued.

“I don’t sound great, either.”

“Well no, not great, but better than the first time you spoke. It was so gravelly it hurt my throat just listening to it.”

Phil chuckled softly. “Well, it did actually hurt a lot, so that seems fair.”

“So anyway, I feel like you're avoiding the question, Lester. Sing me a song?”

Phil rolled his eyes as a cheeky grin spread across his face.

“What are you smiling at?” Dan asked.

Phil's eyes widened and he shook his head quickly, looking down. Dan pouted and put his hand under Phil’s chin and forced him to look back up.

“You promised me you’d tell me what’s going through your mind from now on, I’m sick of guessing. Tell me.”

Clearing his throat, Phil shuffled in his seat so he could hide his face in Dan’s shoulder.

“I was just going to ask if you maybe wanted to make out instead.” Phil admitted, his voice muffled.

Dan’s choked on his own breath as he looked down at the boy hiding in shame, before roaring with laughter.

“Phil fucking Lester, you are my absolute favourite person, my god,”

Phil hit his shoulder indignantly. “Don’t laugh at me! You made me tell you!”

Dan pulled Phil up and cradled his face in his hands. 

“I’m SO glad you told me, and yes, I would much rather make out instead, that’s a fan-fucking-TASTIC idea. You're great.”

Dan leaned in and kissed him firmly, moving his hand from Phil’s cheek to card his fingers through his hair, shivering a little as Phil kissed back, not for a second hesitating. They fought for dominance for a while, tongues dancing and hands moving before Phil bodily threw one leg over Dan’s lap, so he was now straddling him. Dan couldn't help moaning quietly at the change in position, and he ran his fingers down Phil’s back, blunt nails scraping across his grey shirt before they both jumped as the door banged open.

“Just a heads up, you two, you’re giving all of my nurses, AND receptionists, AND another Doctor quite a show out here. Might want to cool it, just an opinion though,” Doctor Nicholas informed them, one eyebrow raised.

Phil jumped off Dan’s lap with a squeak and then ran to get into his bed, ignoring the laughs coming from outside the room and pulling the blanket over his head.

Dan rubbed his hands over his face in humiliation as he heard the door push open a little more. He opened one eye and then groaned loudly as he saw Doctor Warren’s grinning face peering in.

“Fancy seeing you here, Dan! What a coincidence!”

“Fuck off, Warren. I CAN HEAR YOU, ALISON, STOP LAUGHING!”

Doctor Nicholas gave Dan a cheeky salute and shut the door firmly, and Dan gave himself another moment to pity himself before getting up and going to check on Phil.

“You okay, Philly?” He asked, pulling the duvet up a little.

Phil nodded, his face burning red. “I’m fine. Just embarrassed.”

Dan snorted. “Me too. Kind of forgot where we were.”

Phil nodded again emphatically and held out the blanket for Dan to get under. “Want to just watch some Buffy?”

They started the next episode, and Phil rested his head on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan left it for a while, allowing them both to calm down and move on from the complete and utter embarrassment they had just experienced, before grinning wickedly, knowing just what to do to feel better.

“You’re a phenomenal kisser, btw, Philly. I mean, really, gold star for you.” Dan commented.

Phil squeaked and hid his face in Dan’s chest again, whacking him in the arm and ignoring Dan’s loud laughter.

———————————————————————————————————————  
“Morning, Phil. Doctor Nicholas.”

Dan nodded at the doctor before sitting on the couch next to Phil, knocking his forehead on his shoulder in a quick hello while taking his hand.

“Hiya, Howell. We’re just practicing using more volume, aren't we, Phil?”

Phil gave the doctor what Dan was sure was supposed to be a smile, but turned out to be more of a grimace.

“Ooooooh, you guys just know how to have all the fun, it seems. Whatever happened to a nice, wholesome game of good old Guess Who?” Dan joked.

Phil gave him a small smile as he took another sip of water, clearly in pain.

“Okay, Phil, I want you to try and say it again, but lets get to a 20% increase in volume this time, yeah?”

Dan looked down at the machine Doctor Nicholas was holding in his hand, clearly monitoring Phil’s voice. The last result sitting on the screen was 8%, and Dan couldn't help but wince a little in a sympathy. 12% was a fair amount louder that Phil had to go.

Phil cleared his throat. “My name is Phil Lester and I am a patient at St Andrews Hospital.”

“Louder, Phil. That wasn't even as loud as last time.”

“My name is Phil Lester and I am a patient at St Andrews Hospital.”

“Phil, come on. You’re barely hitting 10%.”

“MY NAME IS PHIL LESTER AND I AM A PATIENT AT ST ANDREWS HOSPITAL.”

“Okay Phil, that one was a little better, but you’re only at 13. 7 more to go and we can be done for the day.”

Dan winced as Phil kicked the couch underneath him with a loud bang. They all sat completely still for a moment, the noise echoing through the room.

“Did that hit 20%? Are you happy now?” Phil muttered, before storming into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Dan blew out his breath as Doctor Nicholas rubbed his face with his hands.

“Well good one, nasty doctor, you made him cranky,” Dan joked quietly.

“I’m not trying to hurt him, Dan.”

Dan patted Doctor Nicholas’ shoulder. “I know, Doc. We all want him fully recovered. He’ll get angry sometimes, but he’s probably more annoyed at himself right now than you.”

Doctor Nicholas scoffed. “I doubt that. The problem is, Dan…”. he leaned forwards and lowered his voice. “Now that Phil’s talking, I’m concerned that he’s going to become…complacent.”

Dan sat back for a second. “What do you mean? Like, he’s going to stop making progress?”

Doctor Nicholas nodded grimly.

“Why would he do that? He’s been getting better and better everyday?” 

“Shh, Dan, I know. Trust me, I know, and Im so proud of him. But, he’s already gotten where he needs to be, in his head, you see? He’s got you, coming everyday. He’s got his friends and his family. He got to the point where he could talk again, because he wanted to tell you he loved you, and now you two are together. He’s got all of this already. Why would he keep pushing himself out of his comfort zone, when it would be so easy to keep going the way he’s going?”

Dan sank back into the couch. “He can't stay here forever. I want him out there, with me.”

Doctor Nicholas nodded again. “I know that Dan, and I’m sure he wants that too, deep down. But you've got to remember, this is Phil’s safe place. He’s been here for years. I think he knows that you would keep coming here, everyday, for the rest of his life if you needed to. I’m concerned that he has become too comfortable here, which at the time was a necessity, but now, is a hinderance. We need to get him out, but first he needs to start wanting to get out again.”

Dan mulled it over for a while, feeling himself slowly start to panic. “Then we’ll make him want to get out. I’m not losing him again, Nick.”

Dan stood up and walked to the bathroom door, knocking on it.

“Phil, it’s me…can you let me in?”

“It’s not like it’s locked. They can’t trust me with a locked door, remember? They’re afraid I’ll do something stupid, like drink toilet water or something.” Phil answered bitterly.

Dan sighed. “Alright, Mr Sassy Pants. Just because it’s not locked doesn't mean I don't want your permission first. So can I come in?”

The door clicked open softly and Dan poked his head around. 

“You okay, Philly?”

Phil was sitting on the closed toilet lid, head hanging down. 

“It hurts, Dan. It hurts and I just want to stop and watch Buffy and read Dragon books with you.”

Dan froze. Fucking hell, Nicholas wasn't wrong. If they didn't start pushing Phil, start really dragging him out of his comfort zone, where would they end up? Back on the couch, in a white room, with a heavy door and one window. Where it was easy, and safe…but it was also an isolation ward, in a hospital. They can’t let it end like that. Phi deserved better. Fuck, Dan deserved better. 

Dan crouched down in front of him, pushing Phil’s hair out of his eyes.

“I get that, Phil. I honestly do. But I promised you I was going to get you out of here. I promised you we’d chase the sky. We can't do that until you get better, Philly. I know it’s hard, and I know it hurts…but I’m fucking sick of this room, and if I am, I KNOW you are too. 

Phil frowned. “I like my room. Do you not like my room?”

Dan sighed. “I do, Phil, but theres a whole world out there, waiting for us. And we’re stuck here in only one tiny, boring part of it. We’ve got to get you back into the world, and the only way to do that is to work our asses off. Are you with me or what?”

Phil looked up at him. “You keep saying we, Dan, but I’m the one who has to do all the work. It’s my fault you're here everyday. It’s too hard, I just want to go lie down. Please, we’ll do it tomorrow.”

Dan shook his head immediately. They can’t waste more time. “Nope. Not tomorrow. Today. I get that you need to take your time, Phil, but you also can’t give up the second something feels too hard. If I had done that, I wouldn't have come back after I saw you for the first time. And also, don’t start throwing yourself a pity party, Lester. I’m here because I want to be. End of discussion. You aren't in this alone. I’ll be right beside you, doing whatever stupid exercises Nicholas makes you do. Now, let’s go and get to 25% volume, because I’m an overachiever. Okay?”

Phil stared at him wordlessly for a minute before sighing and nodding, sitting up straight. Dan took his hand and pulled him up, kissing him soundly on the lips for a moment before turning to leave the bathroom. He turned back around quickly and Phil cocked his head, waiting.

“Just to be clear, I don't give a flying fuck how badly you want to read Dragon books with me, we are NEVER reading that godforsaken book again. Ever. You hear me? The nerve of you even suggesting that, I cannot believe…”

Phil snorted and followed Dan out into the white room again.

“Sorry, Doctor Nicholas. I’m ready to try again.”

Doctor Nicholas smiled at him. “Not to worry, Phil. Ready when you are.”

“My name is Phil Lester and I am a patient at St Andrews Hospital.”

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Dan pulled open the door to the isolation ward and waved at the front desk.

“Morning, Alison, how are you - what’s wrong? You look like your cat just died? Oh shit, you don't actually have a cat, do you?”

Nurse Alison gave him a sad smile and beckoned him over, before calling out to Doctor Nicholas. Doctor Nicholas poked his head out of his office and made eye contact with Dan, walking over to the two of them.

“Doctor Nicholas, what’s going on?”  


“Dan, when you left yesterday Phil went straight to sleep, which we figured was just because he was tired from working yesterday. He woke up and was pacing around in the early hours of this morning, and now…”

Dan felt his heart sink and time seemed to freeze.

“He’s silent again, isn't he?” Dan interrupted.

The doctor nodded. “I’m afraid so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI HI HI HI HI
> 
> hello to anyone who is still hanging around!!! ive missed you guys!
> 
> so many of you have been supportive of a sequel, so thank you!! chase the sky SHOULD be following a pretty regular upload schedule, uploading on sundays (uk time). im still getting back in the swing of writing again and im feeling very out of practice and unsure with what im writing, so if you are enjoying it please please PLEASE let me know in a review!! they mean the world to me.
> 
> have a good week and ill see you all next sunday x


	3. Chapter 3

Dan opened the door and felt his heart break when he saw Phil laying on his side, eyes open and staring at the blank wall.

“Morning, Philly…” he murmured, hesitating in the doorway.

Phil looked over at him and Dan held his breath in hope as they made eye contact, before Phil gave him a brief wave and looked away again.

“How are you today?” Dan tried again, walking over to kneel in front of Phil.

Stormy blue eyes met brown and the two stared at one another in silence for what felt like hours, time stretching as Dan begged for Phil to open his mouth and say something, literally anything.

“Phil…you can’t do this to me…I can’t lose you again…” Dan whispered raggedly.

Phil blinked at him and reached out to cup Dan’s face. Dan felt his eyes slide shut and Phil pressed his thumb into Dan’s dimple, leaving it there for a second before slowly rubbing small circles into Dan’s cheek.

“Phil, please,” Dan begged, his voice cracking.

Phil grabbed Dan’s hand and started tracing letters. Dan felt tears spring to his eyes as he automatically started spelling out the word in his head, something he had thought he was finished doing.

“S T I L L H E R E…I know you are, Phil, but I don’t want to go back to this one way conversation that we are so damn good at having,”

Dan blew out his breath in frustration as Phil sat up, swinging his legs off the bed and reaching his arms out for a hug. He hugged him back, feeling completely useless, before pulling away quickly with new determination.

“Right. Let’s fix this. Why aren't you talking, Phil. Is it hurting?”

Phil looked away for a moment before nodding hesitantly. Dan frowned. 

“More than yesterday? Or the same pain it has been since my birthday?”

Phil kept looking away, stonily as Dan waited impatiently. 

“Phil Lester. I’m talking to you.” He snapped.

Phil flinched, before holding up two fingers.

“Okay…so it’s the same pain. But that never stopped you before. So what’s the problem?” 

They both sat in silence for a moment, Dan’s agitation growing and growing as Phil fidgeted, never looking quite at Dan.

“I’m not going to ask again, Phil. I’m your boyfriend, I’m in love with you and I deserve to know why you’ve turned fucking silent again.” 

Phil turned to look at Dan with wide eyes, before narrowing them and grabbing Dan’s hand.

Dan waited as letters were traced firmly into his palm, and he felt anger seep through him as he turned to face Phil with stony eyes.

“You’re telling me, that you have gone back to being a fucking mute, because you just DON’T FUCKING WANT TO TALK ANYMORE.” 

Phil stared back at him, a stubborn expression painted on his face as he crossed his arms, and Dan felt something in him snap.

“Fuck, Phil… Do you even realise what you’re missing out on, while you’re stuck in here? The world has kept on turning without you, and it is wonderful, and you’re happy to hide away in here because you just don't want to talk. Jesus, do you even remember what it feels like to walk down the street in autumn? When every step makes you feel like a giant because of how loud the crunch is from the leaves beneath your feet? Do you remember what it felt like to go to a different restaurant every weekend, just for something new? How about seeing dogs walk down the street, trying to sniff while their owners are yanking them along? Do you remember waiting for a bus that got delayed, and deciding to walk home in the pouring rain? Fuck, Phil, do you even remember how nice the sunshine feels on your face?!”

“The world is so goddamn beautiful, Phil, and you’re missing it. Everyday, you’re wasting away in here, and you’re making me waste away in here with you, because I fucking love you and don't want to be out there without you. You don't even realise what you're missing. We’ve got to get you back into the world, before you forget how good it is out there.”

Phil was staring at him, hurt shining clearly in his eyes, before he threw himself down onto the bed and pulled the blanket over him, closing his eyes stubbornly. Dan there his arms into the air in defeat and started shouting.

“Well, you know what, Lester?! That’s not how this fucking works. You don't get to just switch off because you can’t be bothered anymore. I’m not just going to wait around until you can find the time to open your goddamn mouth again. You either grow the fuck up, start talking and trying to get better, or I’m gone. And I won't be back. I’m not going to wait around for you anymore.”

He waited, breathing raggedly and stared back at Phil’s stony face, both of them too stubborn to be the one to break.

“Fine. Have a great fucking life, Lester. Enjoy these four white walls - you’ll end up dying here, so I hope you like them.”

And with that, he turned on his heel and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him with a bang.

“Dan…” Nurse Alison whispered, her and Doctor Nicholas turning from where they had been watching intently through the glass.

“I can’t fight his fucking battles for him, Alison. If he wants to give up I’m not going to waste my fucking time.”

He yanked the door to the ward open and walked out, finding a bathroom and slipping into it before he let the hot, angry tears start rolling down his face.

“Fuck you, Phil. Fuck you.” He mumbled angrily as he pulled out his phone and dialled a number he knew off by heart.

“Hello darling!” Carrie’s chirpy voice rang through the speaker, and without even a second of pause Dan burst into full blown sobs.

“Oh, Dan! Try and calm down, sweets, shh,” 

Dan let himself cry for a bit, before he forced himself to calm down, grabbing some tissues and wiping his face, breathing as deep as he could and trying to get himself under control.

“Dan, my love, what’s happened? Is Phil okay?” She asked, worry evident in her voice.

“Phil’s a fucking twat,” he answered, taking another heaving breath.

“Oh dear. What’s happened?” 

“He’s gone silent again, Carr. When I asked him why, he told me he just didn't want to talk anymore. He’s a fucking asshole.”

There was silence for a moment. “Dan…I’m so sorry…but you realise…” She trailed off and Dan laughed humourlessly.

“What, that I’m being a complete and total dickhead about it? Yeah, it’s crossed my mind.”

Carrie breathed out a sigh of relief. “Oh, good. I didn't want to be the one to tell you.”

“No….I know I’m being fucking ridiculous and insensitive. It was a given that there would be setbacks - but fuck, Carrie…I didn't think it would hurt this bad.”

“Oh, love. I’m so sorry, I honestly am. But I’m sure he’ll be right as rain in a few days, with you by his side.”

Dan was silent for a moment, and Carrie’s voice got sharper.

“You ARE going to be by his side, aren't you Daniel?”

He was silent again, and she got even shriller.

“Daniel James Howell, where are you calling me from right now?”

“The bathroom,” 

“Oh, good. In Phil’s room?”

Dan winced. “Ah…not exactly.”

“Did he fall asleep or something?”

“Well…no…I kind of stormed out.”

“Did you at least storm out before you said anything hurtful?”

Dan was silent again for a moment, before he swallowed and mumbled something.

“Sorry, Daniel but I couldn't quite catch that. Say again?”

“…I might have told him I was leaving for good, and that I hope he likes the white room he's in, because he’ll end up dying there.”

“WHAT?!”

“Carr, please be on my side. I was angry! He just woke up and decided to stop talking because it was easier.”

“WELL, it’s not like you’ve NEVER made the easy decision instead of the right one then, Dan! Not only that, but it’s a very good thing that Chris and I stuck by your side even when you made the wrong choice, isn’t it?!” she shouted, and Dan winced again, a thousand memories springing to mind.

“…I’m just now realising you weren't the best person to call.”

“Dan Howell, you listen to me very clearly. You know I was the best person to call, because I’ve loved you as long as I can remember, and I will ALWAYS tell you what you need to hear. You have fucked up, big time. He is in RECOVERY, and is BOUND to make mistakes now and then. You should be there, supporting him and making sure he knows you’re there to catch him if he falls, not to leave him to hit the pavement and splatter.”

“Jesus, Carrie…I’m so scared he’s just going to stop trying because he’s already got me. Doctor Nicholas said it’s a genuine concern of his as well. If I don’t threaten to leave unless he gets better, how am I meant to motivate him?”

“How did you motivate him all year, Dan?”

Dan swallowed as realisation hit him like a ton of bricks. “Just by loving him, I guess. Fuck, Carr…I’ve screwed up.”

“Go. Call me later.”

“I love you,” he told her as he hung up the phone, standing and facing himself in the mirror. He pointed at himself sternly.

“Don’t do that again, you twat.” 

He flung the bathroom door open and ran back into the ward.

“Dan-,” Nurse Alison started.

“I know, I know, I fucked up. I’m gonna fix it, sorry,” he called to her and Nicholas as he jogged past them and threw the door open again.

Phil was sitting cross legged on the bed, fingers drumming on his thighs and his head hanging down, his hair hiding his face.

“Philly, I’m sorry.”

Phil didn’t even so much as blink his way, and Dan sighed loudly, approaching the bed.

“I’m a complete twat nugget. I told you last week that if you need to stop talking, then stop talking, no questions asked. And instead I ask you questions, get mad and tell you I’m leaving for good if you don't say something. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Phil looked up at him, and Dan felt his breath catch as he saw Phil’s red rimmed and terrified eyes. He did that. He made the boy he loved feel unwanted and worthless, all because he wanted to be quiet for a day.

“I’m an idiot, Phil. I would never leave you, I swear. I was just so upset - but thats no fucking excuse. I promise you, you aren't going to die here. You are getting better, everyday. I’m so fucking sorry. I love you so much, forgive me, please,” 

Phil reached his arms out hesitantly and Dan wrapped him in a tight hug, breathing him in deeply. 

“I love you, spork. I’m sorry. From now on, I’m a better, more understanding Dan. Still love me?”

Phil gave him a small, watery smile and nodded his head, taking Dan’s hand and tracing out 5 careful letters.

S O R R Y

Dan shook his head, furious at himself for losing control. He took Phil's face in his hands, rubbing over his cheeks gently with his thumbs.

“No, Phil. Listen to me very carefully, okay? Do not be sorry. You haven't done a single thing wrong. This one’s on me. You decide what speed this goes at, no one else. If you need to step back for a bit to work things out, I trust you and I’ve got you, no matter what. I was wrong, but it won’t happen again. I love you, I'm sorry, forgive me.”

Dan pressed his lips to Phil’s softly, testing the waters and Phil kissed him back, tentatively and uncertain. Dan could taste the salt of his tears on his lips and he felt sick, knowing that this was his doing.

He pulled away, determined to make things right between them and started blowing raspberries all over his face, leaving wet trails all over Phil’s cheeks and forehead, until Phil pushed him away with a tiny smile. Dan pressed one final kiss to Phil’s forehead, before he pulled away and walked to the bookshelf.

“Right Phil, since you are too kind to me and wouldn't ever give me what I deserve for being the most awful person since Trump was born, I’m going to punish myself. Sit back, relax, because your boy Danny H is about to give you a dramatic reading of your favourite awful, childish, stupid book, The Dragon Who Flew Around The World.”

Phil smiled at him again tentatively while Dan grabbed the book and went and sat next to Phil, feeling his heart clench when Phil slowly and carefully curled into him. He pressed a kiss to Phil’s temple, sitting there for a second before puling away.

“I love you so fucking much, Phil. I’m so sorry.”

Phil knocked his head gently against Dan’s temple in forgiveness, and Dan blinked away tears, fully realising how lucky he was that the boy he loved was also one of the most forgiving on the planet. With one last kiss, he opened the book and groaned loudly, feeling Phil stifle a snicker. “Bloody hell, here we fucking go. Chapter 1.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya!!! let me know what you think! i am struggling BIG TIME to get back in the swing of this and i am SO INSECURE so please please please if you're liking it let me know!!
> 
> have a good week pals x


	4. Chapter 4

Dan closed the door gently behind him, blowing out his breath and hanging his head for a second. He still felt fucking sick when he thought about how he'd spoken to Phil. Wanting him to get better and pushing him towards recovery was one thing, but it was a total other thing to manipulate and threaten him to force him into getting better.

He felt a hand land on his shoulder firmly and he jumped, having been completely lost in his thoughts and he turned to see Doctor Nicholas standing beside him.

“I know, I fucked up, I’m sorry,” 

Nicholas sighed. “You did, yeah. But I also don't think I helped the situation, after our talk yesterday.”

“You did kind of put the fear of God in me, Nick, yeah,” Dan agreed.

“I know, and I’m sorry. I think we both care about him too much, unfortunately.”

Dan nodded, closing his eyes briefly as he subconsciously turned to watch Phil through the glass, sitting on the couch and reading quietly.

“You got that right, Doc.”

Doctor Nicholas sighed again. “At the end of the day, as Alison so firmly reminded me-“ Dan snorted as he imagined just how ‘firmly’ Alison would have spoken, “-he’s gotten this far with nothing but our patience and care and love. He’ll get there eventually, as long as we keep standing by him.”

Dan turned back to look at the Doctor. “We’ll get him there. Nicely, this time, though.”

Dan held his hand out and Doctor Nicholas laughed before grabbing his hand and shaking it. “Agreed. Nicely and patiently.”

————————————————————————————————————---------------

“Hiya, Philly,”

Phil looked up at the door with a tentative smile, and Dan gave him a massive grin back, trying his best to reassure him that everything would be fine, no matter if he spoke or was silent again.

“How are you?”

Phil smiled at him again as his fringe fell into his face, giving him a thumbs up and reaching his arms out. Dan didn't hesitate, wrapping Phil in a bear hug, and then pulling him up off the couch and spinning him around. He felt his heart soar when he heard Phil burst into surprised laughter as his feet lifted off the ground, and when he put him back on the floor he covered his face with loud kisses.

“So, Philly, what do you want to do today? We can play some cards, watch tv, read, just chill, what do you think?”

Phil watched him for a moment, before reaching down and gently taking his hand and beginning to trace letters.

“N O T M A D?” Dan spelled out. He cupped Phil’s face in his free hand, stroking a thumb across his jawline. 

“No, Philly. I promise you I’m not mad. I love you, Lester.”

Phil smiled at him with glistening eyes and leaned forwards, rubbing his nose against Dan’s affectionately before pulling him onto the couch, curling up basically in Dan’s lap.

Dan chuckled. “Okay, chilling it is, I guess. Good choice, Philly. Want to hear about the latest episode of Kardashians I watched last night? Of course you fucking do, everyone loves the Kardashians. Right, I feel like I should know this about you already, whereabouts do you sit on the Scott and Kourtney situation? You should be warned, my mood for the rest of the day is directly down to how you answer this.”

——————————————————————————————————————--------------

“Nerd, I watched the CUTEST video about this little elephant that fell in this pool and these two big elephants went to save it and I had a FULL BLOWN SOB over it. Fuck, animals man. Also hi, how are you?”

Phil grinned at him, shaking his head in amusement as he pushed himself up from the floor and over too Dan, pursing his lips expectantly. 

Dan laughed. “Hmm, asking for something, are you, four-eyes?”

Phil pouted dramatically as Dan laughed even louder.

“Ah, you're lucky I love you, Lester. Demanding little shit,” Dan told him, ignoring Phil’s smug face and kissing him firmly.

Phil pulled away and kissed Dan’s cheek gently, before taking his hand and leading him to sit down, before turning to him with an expectant face.

Dan frowned. “What?”

Phil widened his eyes, clearly waiting for something while Dan raised his arms in confusion.

“Dude! What?”

Phil rolled his eyes impatiently, before putting his arm in front of his face and moved it up and down like a trunk. Everything clicked and Dan burst into loud laughter, leaning into Phil’s chest.   
He rolled his eyes again and snickered as Dan wiped tears away from his cheeks, still giggling.

“You want to watch the elephant video, I got it, your elephant impression was GREAT, by the way. Fuck, that was too much. Right, hang on, let me get my phone.”

———————————————————————————————————--------------------

“Dan! Wait up!”

Dan turned on his heel to see Phil’s older brother, Martyn, waving at him from across the hospital. He waved back, trying to hide a grimace as he approached, the redheaded tiny girl by his side. Even though he knew Martyn liked him enough, he still felt uneasy around the guy, and he really just wanted to be on his way to getting his arms around Phil, to be honest.

“How’ve you been, man?” Martyn asked, shaking his hand and then pulling him in for a hug.

“Yeah, I’ve been good, thanks,” Dan replied, still trying his best to act cool and not wince when his back was slapped in some form of casual greeting.

“Hi, Dan!” Cornelia sang, reaching up on her tip toes and hugging him as well. 

“Have you just seen him, or are you just going in?” Dan asked, silently praying that they had already been in and he could escape this awkward as all hell situation that he'd found himself in.

“We’ve just been in, actually. Didn't stay long.”

Dan winced, suddenly realising why they might be taking their leave as quickly as they could.

“I assume he’s still not talking, then?”

Martyn shook his head, his lips in a tight smile. “Not today. Doctor Nicholas explained that he’s been doing really well though, and that this is just a minor setback that was bound to happen.”

Dan smiled at him reassuringly as Cornelia rubbed his arm soothingly.

“Honestly, Martyn, he has been doing super well. Don’t get too discouraged, yeah? He was being his lovely, sassy self only a few days ago. He’ll bounce back.” 

Martyn laughed lightly. “I cannot wait to be able to have a conversation with him again. He’s so fucking weird, but I never realised how much I’d miss that weirdness, you know?”

“I’m sure he misses talking to you too, love.” Cornelia told him, reaching up to press a kiss onto Martyn’s cheek.

Dan smiled. “He was telling me the other day about how he used to love watching Disney movies with you. Maybe once he’s speaking again, you can come and watch one with him? I’m sure he’d appreciate it.”

Martyn’s eyes widened, and a surprised grin spread across his face. “Did he really? Man, I’d love that. Here, pass me your phone and I’ll give you my number. Would that be okay?”

Dan nodded reassuringly and unlocked his phone, handing it over. “Yeah, of course. I’ll message you as soon as he’s chatty again, okay?”

Martyn finished punching in his number and handed his phone back to Dan.

“I know I’ve already said this, Dan…but thank you. You're giving me my brother back. I can’t thank you enough.”

Dan waved his hand. “Honestly, it’s all him. I actually fucked up pretty bad the other day. I was awful. Don't thank me.”

Martyn nodded. “Yeah, we heard about that from Nicholas. But I get it - trust me, I've screamed at him several times since he's been in there to just fucking say something. Difference is, you actually got him to open his damn mouth. But you've fixed it now, obviously, because he kept looking at the door, waiting for you, I’m guessing. So don't sweat it, and accept the thank you.”

Dan sighed. “But seriously, I don't do anything major! I’m just chilling out with him everyday while he works through it, really.”

Cornelia and Martyn laughed. “Sure, Dan, whatever you say.” She sang, as she pulled Martyn towards the door.

“Thank you, Dan!” Martyn called as they left.

Dan blew out his breath before heading into the ward, cursing Phil for having such a lovely family. He fucking hated small talk. He pushed open Phil’s door, taking a deep breath before releasing his rant.

“Phil, you fucking owe me, you shithead, I just had to make awkward small talk with your family. If you think we’re reading the Dragon book today, you've got another thing coming, Lester.”

———————————————————————————————————---------------------------

Dan rolled over on Phil’s bed, stretching with a groan while Phil laughed at him and poked his side. 

“Hey, watch the goods, Lester,” Dan told him.

Phil laughed, pillowing his hands under his head while Dan hit play on the next episode of the show they were watching.

Dan felt Phil inch closer to him, and he wrapped an arm around him almost subconsciously and pulled him in, while they watched Buffy and her friends attempt to prepare a Thanksgiving dinner.

They watched quietly for a while, breathing in sync with one another before a small, gravelly voice voice broke the silence.

“I miss cooking.”

It took every fibre of Dan’s being to not react, to not burst into tears or jump for joy at hearing Phil’s croaky voice again. Instead, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, forcing himself to keep his eyes locked on the screen and not turn and freak Phil out.

“I’m fairly shit at cooking. Like, I either give myself Salmonella or it's burnt to a crisp. I have major envy over anyone that isn't as hopeless in the kitchen as me. What do you like to cook?”

There was a long stretch of silence for a while, Dan beating himself up every second that he shouldn't have asked a question, he’d fucked it up, did Phil even speak or did he imagine it, shit-

“I really like Mexican food, that's pretty easy though. I used to make a really good Butter Chicken as well. I like to try a heap of different recipes, you know, those Facebook videos with recipe ideas? I had a whole folder of those saved in my phone…I really miss cooking.” Phil murmured, somewhat wistfully.

Dan smiled, still determinedly not looking at Phil. “Well, I can make a great avocado on toast. I can also microwave like a fucking boss.”

Phil snorted, pressing his face into Dan’s chest.

“In all seriousness, though. I would love for you to teach me? I think Carrie would hit the floor if I ever made her a meal from scratch that was actually good, and didn't cause her to spend 4 hours on the toilet after.”

Phil laughed again, kissing Dan’s shoulder before turning to face him.

“When I get out of here, I’ll teach you. Pinky promise.” 

Dan grinned and locked his finger with Phil’s, shaking it before kissing him soundly.

“Notice I said when I get out of here, not if?” Phil asked.

Dan winced. “Yeah, Phil, fuck…I’m so sorry. I still cant believe I said that.”

Phil smiled at him, a little mischievously. “It’s okay…I broke your nose once. Now we’re even.”

“Trust me, I haven't forgotten. My nose still twinges in the cold weather. But I’m sorry anyway.”

Phil leaned forward and kissed the tip of Dan’s nose gently. 

They both turned back to watch the show and after a moment, Phil cleared his throat.

“I am going to, you know,”

Dan frowned. “Going to what?”

“Get out of here.”

Dan rolled over to face Phil properly with a small smile.

“I know you are, Philly. I know you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya! thanks for all the lovely comments on the last chapter!
> 
> after today, i will be going on a two week break because im having a holiday! i will be back about midway through feb.
> 
> hope you liked this one!
> 
> <3


	5. Chapter 5

The doorbell rang loudly and Dan paused the anime he was watching.

“It’s open!”

The door opened and Chris poked his head in, smiling goofily at Dan.

“Hey, buddy. I heard it’s been a rough week, I brought takeout fajitas and Oreo’s!”

Dan chuckled. “Sounds amazing. Shall I text Fletcher?”

“No need,” Carrie’s voice sang from outside. “I’m here, and I brought wine, so I think I win.”

Dan mulled it over. “To be honest, Carr, I think I’m more keen for the fajitas. Me and Phil were talking about Mexican food today and I have been craving ever since.”

Carrie’s face lit up. “He talked again?”

Dan nodded, grinning, and Chris threw his arms into the air. “Woohoo! Result!”

Pressing a kiss to his cheek, Carrie put the wine down and turned to hug Dan properly.

“I’m happy for you, love. I knew he’d come around.”

Dan turned to her, smiling sheepishly.

“Thanks for giving me a verbal smackdown of common sense on the phone the other day, Carrie. It was very needed.”

She smiled at him happily and patted his cheek. “Anytime, my love. Anytime.”

“Right, now that all of this soppy shit is over, can we talk about something actually interesting?” Chris joked, grabbing cutlery for everyone and sitting down.

Dan took a deep breath. “Well, here’s something. I’m not signing another lease for this flat.”  
There was silence for a moment. “Sorry…what?” Chris asked.

“I’m not signing again. I’m out of here in another 5 weeks.”

Carrie frowned. “But Dan, you adore this flat. You said you’d never leave! What’s changed?”

Dan sighed. “I have, I guess. I’ve just started to realise as much as I love this flat, I’ve been fucking miserable here. I’m not blaming it on the house, but I think I need a new place. I’m sick of the long haul trek to the hospital and back everyday, there’s no room for Phil’s stuff here, and-“

“Wait wait wait wait wait. Did you just say thats there’s no room for Phil’s stuff here?” Chris asked.

Dan blinked. “Well, yeah. This place is already packed to the brim with all of my shit, and I’ve only seen his hospital room but that’s filled with random crap. Let alone all of the other stuff I’m sure he's got in storage.”

“Dan, you know I love you, but don't you think that’s moving a little fast?” Chris asked gently.

Dan frowned. “Well…I don't know. I hadn't really thought about it. Where else would he go?”

“Well, to Louise or PJ’s, I’d assume,” Carrie replied.

“Louise is actually living with PJ and Sophie while her house is getting built. But don't make jokes about threesomes, they don't find it funny, apparently.”

“Can’t imagine why,” Chris joked.

“Okay, but wouldn’t it make sense for Phil to live with them, then?”

“Why? I’m the one that spends everyday with him, I’m the one that got him better, I’m the one he’s in love with, why shouldn't he live with me?” Dan retorted defensively, his voice rising with every word.

Carrie shushed him. “Love, no one’s denying that. But it’s probably a lot to move in with him straight away, no?”

Dan scoffed. “It’s probably going to be a lot for him to move out of the fucking isolation ward he’s been in for years as well, the only way he’s going to be able to handle it is with me.”

“Dan, calm down. We just want what’s best for you.” Chris told him.

“Well, what’s best for me is Phil. And I’m best for him. End of discussion.”

The room fell silent as Dan sat, fuming.

“You know what, Dan? You’re right. I’m sorry, of course you know what’s best for you.” Chris said.

Dan felt the tension ease out of him and he let out a loud breath, shoulders sagging.

“Look…I know this whole thing between Phil and me is weird. I get that it probably seems like we’re going too fast…but I know it’s right. He’s my person, you know? When he’s not here, I feel like a part of me is missing. I want him next to me, every second of the day. I know this whole situation is really strange, but I also know that it’s going to work. He’s Phil, and he's mine, and I’m his. There’s no point slowing down the inevitable.”

Carrie nodded slowly. “I guess because we’ve really only seen the two of you together once, it’s hard for us to really understand your relationship.”

Dan pondered that for a second. “Shit. It has only been once, hey?”

Chris and Carrie both raised their eyebrows and nodded.

Dan blew out his breath. “Well. I guess I get your confusion a little more, then.”

“It’s like, we've always been there, through everything that’s changed in your life. But this one, this massive change, we haven't really been able to see. You have this whole other part of your life that we are basically clueless about. It’s weird.” Chris told him.

The room fell into silence again for a moment while Dan tried to look at things from their point of view. 

“I get it. I genuinely do. How about you guys start coming to visit with me sometimes? Not everyday, just every now and then. When Phil gets out of hospital, I still want you two to come around whenever you like, so he may as well start getting used to your ugly faces.”

“Abuse, Howell. Abuse.” Chris told him with a grin.

“Dan, that sounds lovely. I would really appreciate that.” Carrie said.

Chris nodded. “Me too. I’ll even be my most charming, polite, and non-inappropriate self.”

“Jesus, be careful, Kendall. You might end up passing out from holding all that in.” Dan joked.

“Eh. At least I’ll already be in a hospital. Where else would I want to be?”

Dan smiled. “I can't think of a single place I’d rather be.”

——————————————————————————————————-

“Morning, Dan,”

Dan grinned from ear to ear as he closed the door behind him, over the moon that Phil had spoken again, and before he even had. 

“Hiya, Phil. You seem chirpy this morning. Is Nurse Alison spiking your Crunchy Nut?”

Phil chuckled, shaking his head as he pushed up from the ground and walked towards Dan, arms outstretched. Dan wrapped him in a tight hug, before pulling away and pressing a kiss to Phil’s lips. 

“Good morning, boys, how are we today?” Doctor Nicholas sang as he let himself into the room, grinning.

Dan untangled himself from Phil and saluted Nicholas, feeling overly jovial now that he’d heard Phil’s voice again.

“Couldn’t be better, Doc. Yourself?”

“I’m fantastic, thank you Daniel. And you, Phil?”

“I’m good. My throat is stinging a little though.”

Dan turned to Phil, concern flooding his features as he cupped his jaw. 

“It is? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Phil smiled gently at him. “Because you only just got here. Plus, I’m fine. It’s just stinging, it’s not like I'm dying or anything”

Doctor Nicholas clicked his tongue. “Well, you may not be dying, but we should still check it out. Mind if I take a look?”

Phil shook his head and sat down in front of Nicholas, opening his mouth obediently while Dan followed him, squeezing his hand.

“Well? What’s the diagnosis?” Dan asked.

Both Phil and Nicholas turned to look at Dan, identical looks of hidden amusement on their faces.

Dan raised his arms in defeat. “Right, give you a minute, sorry, sorry,”

Phil rolled his eyes and patted Dan’s hand comfortingly. “I promise Howell, I’m fine. Ease your storm.”

Dan snorted. “Ease your storm?! What country are you even from, you weirdo. Ease your storm, I’m gonna get that fucking tattooed, my god.”

Doctor Nicholas chuckled as he finished checking Phil’s throat.

“Well, you’re gonna be fine, Phil. It’s just a little irritated. I’ll get you some tea with honey and you should be good as new.”

Phil closed his mouth and smiled at him as he made his way out of t he door. “Thanks, Doctor Nick. See, Dan?”

Dan rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Yeah yeah, make fun of the concerned boyfriend, that’s real nice.”

Phil chuckled and pressed a kiss to Dan’s cheek, right on the dimple that was forming as Dan slowly started to smile.

“I love you,” Phil whispered.

Dan turned to him and kissed him properly. “I love you too, you absolute bully. I cannot believe you would…”

——————————————————————————————————————-

“Morning, nerd!”

Dan let the door slam behind him and looked at Phil - or rather, Phil’s back while he was standing over the sink. 

He was answered with resounding silence as Dan cleared his throat in panic.

“Philly?”

Phil waved a hand behind him in a greeting and Dan felt his heart sink, before he pasted a smile onto his face.

“Don’t worry Phil, you've been speaking non stop for almost two weeks now, if you need to be silent for a day or a week or a month I completely understand and I support you 100%.”

The silence was deafening for another moment until Phil bent down and spat liquid into the sink, when he turned around and gave Dan a brilliant smile.

“That’s lovely, Dan, and I know that must have been hard for you, but I was just having my mouthwash. People keep wanting to look into my mouth all day, I don't want smelly breath.”

Dan blew out his breath for a second before he threw his arms around Phil, laughing into his shoulder.

“Fuck, don’t do that to me again.”

Phil laughed as well and wrapped his arms around Dan, rubbing his back.

“Okay…good morning, by the way.”

—————————————————————————————————————

“Chris, I mean it, no inappropriate jokes, and Carrie, try and not squeal every time we look at one another, and Chris, no-“

“Bloody hell, Howell, how about we turn right back around and head home rather than even seeing him? Best to be safe, yeah?” Chris joked.

Carrie whacked him in the stomach. “Shut it, Chris. Dan’s just being…well, to be fair, rather irritating.”

Dan sighed. “I’m sorry guys, but I want this to go well. You three are the most important people in my life, if you don't all get along it’s going to make my life very difficult.”

“And we are well aware of that, Dan. Don’t worry - we see how much you love him, we’d never try and ruin that.”

Chris patted his back and nodded in agreement. “We won’t fuck this up, Howell. No worries.”

Dan smiled at them both. “I know you won’t, I’m just being silly. Come on, let’s go.”

He pulled the door open and poked his head in, grinning when Phil spun around to look at him.

“Hello there, Philly. Before I come in, I’ve got some friends with me, is that okay?”

Phil cleared his throat. “I’d willingly let Big Foot in if it gets you through the door and into my arms.”

Dan chuckled, pushing the door open fully. 

“Well, you’re cheesy this morning, you cheeky little shit. Good morning to you too. Come on in, guys.”

Carrie and Chris walked into the room, smiling as Dan wrapped his arms around Phil, pressing kisses into his hair.

“Hi, Phil. Hope you don't mind, we thought we’d come and spend the morning, if that’s okay?” Carrie asked.

Phil pulled away from Dan, smiling at the two lingering in the door.

“Of course, come on in. I’ve probably been hogging him the last few months, may as well share some of my time,” he joked.

Chris grinned. “Hey, your voice sounds heaps better now!”

Phil nodded as he pulled Dan onto the couch, easily curling up under his arm. “Yeah, it barely hurts anymore as well. Turns out all I needed was this one to poke me with a stick every time I go silent, who knew?”

“Hey!” Dan replied, indignant. “I’ll have you know I have been very supportive and don't even have a stick.”

Phil grinned at him. “It’s true. A few days ago, he thought I’d gone mute again and was very kind. I almost couldn't hear the way his voice quivered in distress.”

Dan whacked him in the shoulder as Carrie and Chris laughed. 

“You all suck. I hate you all.”

Phil pressed a kiss to his temple, once, twice, three times.

“You don’t. You love us. And I love you, even though you’re the worst actor in the world.”

Dan pouted while Chris and Carrie laughed again, and Phil pressed another kiss to his head.

"What in the ever loving fuck did I do to deserve this treatment?!"

"You know, you're lucky to have us." Chris said through laughs.

Dan rolled his eyes and squeezed Phil's waist.

"Don't know what you're talking about."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay, my internet has been down! hope you liked this one!
> 
> stay happy, pals x


	6. Chapter 6

The sun had long since set when Dan finally fell onto his sofa, exhausted, but with most of his possessions packed into boxes. He’d sent Chris home over an hour ago now, with a box of comic books that Dan had been keeping for years happily tucked under his arm and a promise to call around tomorrow after his hospital visit. 

He looked around his bare flat, expecting to feel sadness, or nostalgia, but instead he just felt accomplished. He’d made this place his own, his safe haven, all the nooks and crannies filled with the nerdy shit he loved and the ridiculous amount of candles he had collected over the years. 

And yet, he couldn't be more excited to leave.

He’d had a rough time while he was here. It was his, yes, but it was lonely. And now that he’d remembered how it felt to have someone who you wanted to spend all your time with, he had never dreaded going home more.

No, it was time to go. He’d put in an application at a new place, a bigger one, closer to the hospital and more importantly, to Phil. 

Dan couldn't help but smile. He raised his cold mug of tea up, nodding solemnly.

“Cheers, little flat. You’ve been good for me…but, he’s better for me. Hope you understand.”

He took a sip and almost spat it back out as his living room light flickered gently. He couldn't help bursting into surprised laughter as his flat seemingly agreed with him.

“…touche.”

———————————————————————————————————————-----------------------------------------------------

“Philip Lesty, my fave nerd, good morning!” Dan sang as he basically skipped into the room. 

Phil spun around, a grin stretching across his face. “You’re chirpy today, Danny.”

Dan gave him a toothy smile as Phil walked to him and wrapped him in a tight hug, before pulling back and kissing him firmly.

“I’m very sure I don't know what you mean, Lester. I’m a chirpy person.”

Phil scoffed and rolled his eyes as he turned to walk away.

“Hey! Don’t you walk away from me, nerd!” 

Phil giggled and kept walking away, turning around the couch and circling back. Dan had a sudden flashback to following Phil around the room just like today, not too long ago, only following and waiting for him to give him a look, a touch, a reaction, anything. 

He was suddenly struck with the realisation that he’d probably follow this man anywhere.

“I am a ball of joy, an angel bean, a fucking ray of sunshine in a cold, bleak, dark, miserable world, and you would do well to remember that!” He shouted, hearing Phil’s giggles grow into full blown laughs as he started jogging away from Dan.

“COME BACK, YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME!” He yelled, and without a second thought he leapt onto Phil’s back, cackling as he latched on and felt Phil stumble under his sudden weight.

“DAN!” Phil cried, as he staggered to the bed and fell onto it, both of them flopping onto the mattress out of breath and gasping for air.

They both laughed and laughed, until Dan felt like he was going to burst from happiness and he rolled over to face Phil. Phil’s laughs quietened, and he stared at Dan with a goofy smile, pressing his thumb slowly into his dimple.

“I wonder every single day what I ever did to end up with you, Dan. Every single day.”

Dan repressed the urge to argue with him, and simply smiled back.

“I love you so fucking much, Phil.”

Phil leaned forward and kissed him deeply, the two pressing closer and closer until Phil ended up rolling on top of Dan, straddling his sides. They pulled apart and rested their foreheads together, breathing heavily and staring into one another's eyes.

“Yeah, I’d say the feeling’s pretty much mutual.” Phil whispered.

“I’d like to hear you say it, though,” Dan murmured back cheekily.

Phil breathed out a laugh, making Dan’s fluffy fringe shift across his forehead. 

“I am completely, embarrassingly, head over heels, in love with you too, Daniel Howell.”

Dan smiled. “We’re so fucking mushy, my god.”

Phil grinned and rolled off of him onto his side, leaning his head on his elbow.

“We are. But I kind of like it. Do we have to tone it down, when we head into the real world?”

Dan rolled onto his side as well, copying Phil’s pose.

“Absolutely not. Unless you want to, of course. But if there is one thing I am not at all ashamed of, it’s loving you, Philly.”

Phil reached out and brushed his hand over Dan’s side, feeling him shiver and smiling quietly to himself.

“I promise you, hiding the fact that you’re mine is the absolute last thing I’d ever want to do.”

Dan smiled at Phil, giddy.

“Speaking of the real world, will you tell me about your apartment again? I can’t wait to see it in person.”

Dan took a deep breath and sat up, pulling Phil up with him. 

“We should probably talk about that, actually. Come sit on the couch with me?”

Phil frowned at him. “Is something wrong?” 

“No, babe, just come sit with me, yeah? My bones are too old to lie like this for long.”

Phil chuckled as Dan pulled him off the bed, leading him to the couch.

“So, what’s up? Do you not want me to see your flat?”

Dan shook his head. “No! No, not at all, Phil. It’s just…” He blew out his breath and turned to face Phil.

“I’m actually moving out of that flat. I only have two more nights there.”

“What?! What happened?”

“Nothing happened, Philly. It just wasn't the right place for me anymore.”

Phil frowned. “But Dan, that’s your home. I don't understand. What’s changed?”

Dan took his hand. “Me, I guess. And you.”

“I’ve been approved for a new place. It’s only about 10 minutes from here, not a whole tube ordeal with three line changes. It’s bigger, with an extra room, and…do you see where I’m going with this?”

Phil cocked his head to the side, looking adorably confused before frowning. “Nope. Sorry.”

Dan sighed. “Well….and don't freak out, okay? It’s just an idea. But…there is going to come to a point where you move out of here…and it’s going to come soon, because you’re just so goddamn determined. And I just wanted there to be enough room for you. Enough room for us, to live together. Is that something you’d maybe consider?”

Phil blinked at him. 

“I mean, honestly, it was just a suggestion, I’m sure you and Pentland and Ligouri have probably discussed it but I just thought…there’s an extra room so you could have your own space if you wanted it, and we could watch TV together, and you could teach me to cook, but actually this was a fucking dumb idea and I don’t know what I was thinking let’s pretend this never happened and - MMMPPHH!”

Dan was cut off by Phil pressing his lips against Dan’s urgently, and Dan kissed back before pulling away.

“Wait. So is that a yes?”

Phil grinned at him and nodded frantically. “Yes, Dan. I would absolutely love to live with you.”

Dan let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding and pulled Phil into a tight hug.

“Fuck. That was scary. I don't know why, but that was scary.”

Phil laughed. “I don't know why either. But, to be clear, I’m happy to share a room. We don't need seperate rooms. Do we?”

Dan hummed. “Well, not necessarily. But it might be a good idea to go slow, you feel?”

“We can go slow and still share a room, Howell. You aren’t THAT irresistible.”

Dan chuckled. “Speak for yourself. I might struggle.”

He dragged a hand slowly down Phil’s cheek and neck, pausing at the pulse point and feeling Phil’s breath turn ragged.

Phil let his eyes close for a moment before opening them slowly. 

“I don’t care. I’m sick of going slow. I love you, and I sleep better when you’re with me, anyway. We could always turn the second room into a gaming room?”

Dan’s jaw dropped and he held his hand up for a high five. “Well, fuck me, Lester, why didn't you say that earlier? I’m fucking sold.”  
——————————————————————————————————————-------------------------------------------------------

“Daniel! What a surprise to see you here! I am positively flabbergasted!”

Dan grinned at Nurse Alison from where he was lounged across the couch, his head on Phil’s lap.

“Well if it isn't my favourite Nurse. How’ve you been, Ali-Dog?”

Nurse Alison scoffed. “Phil, truly, how do you put up with this,”

“It’s true. I’m a saint.” Phil replied, carding his fingers though Dan’s hair gently.

She smiled at him brightly as she placed his lunch on the coffee table, before opening her clipboard.

“Mind if I take a seat? Doctor Nicholas has asked me to run you through today’s throat exercises . He’s busy with another patient.”

Dan looked at Phil with a wide grin. “Philly! That means you are officially not the problem patient anymore!”

“Woohoo!” Phil cheered, pumping a fist in the air. 

Nurse Alison laughed. 

“Take a seat, Alison. What do I need to do today?” Phil asked.

She sat down in her usual chair and looked at him with a smile. 

“You need to scream, actually, Lester. And shout. And let it all out.” 

Dan snorted at the horrendous joke and Phil just frowned. “Huh?”

“Basically, we need to check your vocal chords can handle louder volumes. I need to hear you shout for a bit, see how you hold up.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Well that’s ridiculous, and embarrassing. I don’t want to do that.”

Dan stood up abruptly and walked to the other end of the room. “Dan…?”

“HEY PHILLY, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?!”

Phil took a second and burst into laughter. “Are you serious, Dan?”

“YES I AM DEADLY SERIOUS. HOW ARE YOU?”

Phil sighed. “I’M GOOD THANKS DAN. HOW ARE YOU?”

“YEAH, I’M PRETTY SWELL, LESTER. YOU KNOW, YOU’VE GOT A NICE SHOUTING VOICE.”

“THANKS, HOWELL. YOURS ISN’T TOO BAD EITHER.”

Dan laughed. “IN FACT, PHIL, I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO TELL YOU YOUR EYES ARE THE PRETTIEST SHADE OF CRYSTAL BLUE I’VE EVER SEEN. I COULD SWIM IN THOSE EYES.”

Phil snorted. “What is this, a compliment battle?”

Dan nodded happily. “SOUNDS LIKE IT, LESTER. UNLESS YOU’RE TOO….CHICKEN…?”

Nurse Alison burst into loud laughter as Phil sighed, before dramatically flexing his muscles.

“YOU’RE ON. DAN, YOU’VE GOT GREAT HAIR. I REALLY LIKE THE CURLS. THEY’RE SO FLUFFY. LIKE A SWEET LITTLE UNICORNS MANE”

“YEAH? WELL, I LIKE YOUR TONGUE WHEN IT HANGS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH WHILE YOU LAUGH. IT’S AN ENDEARING QUALITY, AND WE ALL LIKE IT.”

“DAN, YOUR SMILE SPARKLES LIKE A DIAMOND. WHEN YOU FLASH THOSE PEARLY WHITES AT ME, I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO FAINT.”

“PHIL, I CAN’T TELL HOW YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR VOICE. I WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU SPEAK FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.”

“HEY DAN, YOU’VE GOT A REALLY GREAT BUM.”

Dan burst into surprised (but pleased) laughter as Nurse Alison stood, covering her ears with her hands. “Okay, okay! I’ve heard enough! You passed with flying colours, Phil. How does your throat feel?”

Phil swallowed and then cleared his throat. “Fine. A little scratchy, but fine.”

Dan walked over to him and took his hand, squeezing it. “So, you’ve been checking out my bum, Lester?”

“AND that’s my queue to leave! Adios, boys! Be good!” Nurse Alison sang, skipping out the door.

Phil turned to him and smiled. “Well, you can’t blame me. You’re really fit, Dan.”

Dan felt himself going bright red, and Phil cooed at him as he looked away.

“You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.”

“I’m not embarrassed! Let’s just go watch another episode, yeah?” Dan defended, quickly changing the subject.

Phil chuckled. “Sounds good to me, Howell. Lead the way.”

Dan turned to walk to the couch, and then cried out in indignation when he felt a hand squeeze his bum.

“Phil!”

“What?! It was right there! What was I supposed to do, NOT squeeze it?”

Dan sighed, shaking his head and trying to force his heart to slow. “You are too much, Lester. Too much.”

Phil grinned at him cheekily. “Yeah, I am. But you love me.”

Dan smiled at him, leaning in close and kissing his nose. “Yeah. Yeah, I fucking do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....a month without uploading, she comes back with a chapter
> 
> SORRY SORRY i was SO stuck but im back now my bad so sorry
> 
> hope you liked this one! let me know what you think!
> 
> stay happy, kids xo


	7. Chapter 7

“But Phiiiiiil, you and I both know that that is an incredibly stupid movie and I very much do not want to watch it!”

Phil chuckled. “Have you always been this whiny, Dan?”

Dan pouted. “Am not.”

With a bony finger, Phil reached out and poked his bottom lip softly.

“Are too. But it’s okay, I like it.”

Dan snapped his teeth at Phil’s finger playfully, before entangling their hands together and kissing the back of his palm.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret, Philly…I like you too.” 

Phil smiled at him, his eyes crinkling. “That’s good. But don’t think this has gotten you anywhere, Howell. We’re watching Twilight. Load it up on the interwebs, please,”

The loud laugh that Phil let out was almost unheard over Dan’s immediate groan of disapproval.

The door opened with a squeak, and both Dan and Phil looked up to see Doctor Nicholas’ smiling face standing at the front of the room.

“Oh, thank FUCK you’re here, Doc. Distract him with something, anything. I beg you.”

“Hello there, Daniel. I see you’re as dramatic as ever. Sorry I never got in here yesterday, Phil. Crisis with another patient. How are you today?”

Phil swung his legs off the bed and approached the Doctor.

“I’m good, Doc. Really good. In fact, I don't remember ever feeling this damn happy in my life. The only thing that would make me happier is getting out of this room sometime soon, you know?”

Doctor Nicholas raised his eyebrows. “Oh?”

“Yes. Out. I want out. Look, I’m doing much better! Here, shake my hand!”

He outstretched his arm as Dan walked over as well, ready to be there incase this didn't go to plan.

Doctor Nicholas watched Phil’s face for a moment, before reaching out and shaking his hand gently.

Dan blew out his breath as Phil shook it emphatically, his smile turning into a grin as they finally let go.

“See!”

Doctor Nicholas laughed. “I do see, Phil. Well done. You are coming on in leaps and bounds, and I couldn't be happier for you.”

Phil grinned back at him, bouncing on the balls of his feet. 

“So?! When can I leave?”

Dan took Phil’s hand, rubbing his thumb across his knuckles, trying to calm him down.

Doctor Nicholas pursed his lips thoughtfully. “You know, Phil, I think you’re right. But, baby steps, yeah? How about we just try leaving this room, for now?”

Phil opened his mouth to argue, but Dan squeezed his hand.

“We don’t want to go backwards, Philly,” he whispered.

Phil sighed dramatically. “Fine, fine. Let’s start with that.”

Doctor Nicholas laughed. “What, right now? Don't you want to wait for your parents, or your friends?”

“No, not at all. I feel like this room gets smaller everyday. I just need to see something other than this furniture, just for a second. Please.”

Dan leaned in and pressed a kiss to Phil’s temple. “You never told me you were feeling this way, Philly.”

Phil turned to him. “I haven’t been, really. But ever since yesterday, our talk, Dan…I don't want to wait any longer. I want to live with you, and that means I need to get out of here. No more putting things off because I’m afraid.”

Doctor Nicholas smiled as Dan pressed another kiss to Phil’s head.

“Phil, give me half an hour to close the reception off and make sure everything will go as planned, and if you’re still up to it, you can come out for a bit. Sound good?”

Phil nodded, stepping forward and holding his hand out again for another handshake.

“Sounds great, Doc. Nicholas…thank you. For not giving up on me.”

Doctor Nicholas shook his head firmly. “No, Phil. Don’t thank me for that. Thank yourself. You and Dan have done this together. I’m just grateful to have been able to witness it.”

Nicholas turned to walk out of the room.

“I want an invite to the wedding! Front row, boys!”

Phil snorted as Dan pulled him in and wrapped his arms around his waist. “Got it, Nick. Front row.”

The door swung closed and Phil blew out his breath loudly.

“Hey. Talk to me. You sure about this?”

“Yeah. I’m sure. I just don't like waiting, you know? I want to just get it over with.”

Dan shook his head at him in wonder. “Fucking hell, I’m so proud of you it hurts, Phil.”

Phil smiled tightly. “Don’t be proud of me until I’m out there. Can’t guarantee I won’t pass out.”

“I couldn't care less. You know I’ll catch you if you do, anyway.”

Phil nodded, an anxious look on his face. Almost absentmindedly, he reached up and tugged on his ear.

“Story time?” Dan asked, smiling as he lead Phil back to the couch. He fell onto it, pulling Phil onto his lap and starting tracing the shell of his ear as he started to speak.

“You know, I really thought I was happy before you came along, Phil.”

Phil frowned at him and pouted a little, while Dan laughed quietly.

“Hear me out, Lester. Just wait.”

“I was living alone, working all my free time away, seeing my friends once or twice a week and I really believed I’d made it. I had my own place, and I’d gotten away from my shitty family, and I didn’t really have any shitty people in my life, you know? But I was so wrong. I never had anything I looked forward to. I came home to an empty flat. I would have hour long conversations with Siri just to have someone to talk to. I thought I was happy, but I wasn’t. I had completely forgotten what happiness felt like, and I was fooled into believing it was what I had. But it wasn’t. All I was doing was existing, Philly, floating through life, not having any lows anymore but not having any highs either. And I can’t tell you how glad I am I found you.”

Dan smiled. “You, and your fidgety little ass kicked down every wall I had built around myself without even opening your mouth. Hell, you didn't even look at me, and I was hooked. I can’t tell you how much you fucked my life up, in the absolute best way possible.”

“It’s like…when I was younger, my world was full of colour. But as I grew up, my world slowly desaturated. The colours faded away slowly, so slowly that I never even noticed. It was my normal, I never even considered that there was more to life than this. And then you came into my life, and you brought the all the colours back.”

He sniffed as he felt a tear finally slide down his cheek and his eyes crinkled as he looked at Phil.

“You’re my own personal sunshine, Phil Lester. I love you so fucking much.”

Phil pressed his lips to Dan’s urgently, kissing him over and over again, both of their tears mixing together.

Phil cleared his throat. “I might have brought you colours, Dan, but you gave me everything. A reason to keep breathing, to look, and listen. A reason to fight. Someone to let in, and someone to love. I think I was so busy loving you I forgot to hate myself. And I’ll keep loving you, every single day, until you get so sick of me you create a fake ID and run for the hills,”

Dan shook his head. “Never going to happen, Lester. You’re stuck with me until we’re old and grey. And it’s going to be a really great fucking life, you just wait and see.”

Phil pressed a kiss to Dan’s jaw, then another, and another, until he was attacking his whole face with wet kisses.

“Phil, Phil, PHIL! Stop, I get it, you love me!”

Dan’s laughter echoed loudly in the room as Phil nuzzled into his neck.

“God, you’re attacking me with your love, of all things. That’s manipulative, Lester, you know I won’t fight it.”

The door opened slowly and both Dan and Phil froze, suddenly remembering why they had been killing time with a story in the first place.

“Okay Phil, what do you think. Ready for an excursion?” Doctor Nicholas asked, smiling widely at them.

“I really appreciate that you've stopped commenting when you find us in precarious positions such as this, Doc. Cheers.” Dan told him offhandedly as Phil rather reluctantly climbed off of him. 

Nicholas laughed. “Oh, we all still make comments. It’s like you forget that that mirror over there is glass we can see through. We just make fun of you out there, rather than in here, now.”

Phil snorted. “Well, gee. Thanks.”

Doctor Nicholas smiled at him. “I’m just messing, Phil. We’re all happy that you're happy.”

“So, what’s the verdict, Philly? You want to have a go at heading out there or want to try it another day?” Dan asked, placing a hand on his lower back gently.

Phil took a deep breath. “Yeah. Let’s do this. Be a lamb and catch me, if I fall, would you?”

Dan took Phil’s hands in his and smiled softly at him. “Always.”

Doctor Nicholas clapped his hands together. “Right. Phil, when you leave this room, you’ll be in the reception of the isolation ward. There’s a desk which Nurse Alison will be sitting at, along with Nurse Vicki and Nurse Andrew. Behind her is an office and a closet, both of which have the doors closed. There are a few plants and chairs, and a table with some magazines. There’s a hallway as well, which just leads to the other isolation rooms.”

“Louise and PJ are here. They were coming over on their own accord, I didn't ring them. But they are here, out in the reception - did you want me to ask them to leave? They've assured me that whatever you feel comfortable with is okay with them.”

Phil hummed. “No, I think that’s fine. Thanks, Doc. Can I have a minute?”

Doctor Nicholas smiled. Of course. Take your time.”

He turned around and walked out, leaving the door open.

Dan and Phil turned to one another.

“You can do this, Philly. I’ve got you.” He leaned in and kissed Phil’s temple firmly, closing his eyes.

“Yeah…yeah, I can. I fucking can.” Phil whispered.

Dan threw his head back and laughed. “Yeah, you fucking can!”

Phil grinned at him. “Let’s do this, Howell.”

Together they walked hand in hand to the open door. Dan looked at Phil, watching him take a deep breath in.

“After you,” Phil murmured.

Dan smiled at him, turning to face Phil and walked out of the room backwards, holding both of Phil’s hands tightly.

Phil tentatively took one step, then another, until he was fully out of the room.

Dan could hear Pentland hiccuping and PJ laughing in exhilaration but his eyes were locked on Phil’s.

“You’re doing great, Philly. You’re out. Look.”

Phil blinked, and flicked his eyes away from Dan’s gazing around him at the room. He smiled, which stretched into a toothy grin as he looked at every corner, feet still slowly shuffling forward.

“It’s…it’s just another room! This isn’t even scary!”

Dan burst into laughter and he wrapped Phil in a tight hug, squeezing his eyes shut to try and stop more tears falling.

“You’re right. It’s just a room, Phil. But it’s not your room. It’s not that room that’s been your entire world. You did it.”

Phil grinned goofily at him, pulling away and slowly letting go of his hands. He stepped away from Dan, leaving him standing in the middle of the room as he walked to one end and ran his hand over the leafy green plants, the ceramic pots, raking his fingers through the soil in wonder. Dan sniffed loudly, watching him explore a world entirely familiar and yet completely new, and he felt a hand drop onto his shoulder. 

“He did it.” PJ whispered.

Dan sniffed again, feeling Louise rest her head on his other shoulder and leaning into her. 

“Yeah. Yeah, he fucking did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the fluff is real, you guys. sorry if this shit is rotting your teeth!
> 
> let me know what you thought 
> 
> x


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i totally uploaded this chapter on monday morning, but i don't think anyone got a notification for it! so sorry if you've read this chapter already this is completely a re upload. sorry!
> 
> unless maybe everyone just hated this chapter lol i cant tell anymore
> 
> x

Dan stared at his phone for a moment, before locking it and groaning loudly. 

“Fuck.” he muttered as he rubbed his hands tiredly over his face.

He was completely packed, Chris and Carrie organised to meet him at his flat after seeing Phil and help him cart his boxes to the new place when his phone had beeped with a new email.

He sighed loudly, unlocking his phone and calling Carrie.

“Hello, love!”

“Carrie, my entire life just got fucked in the ass.”

Carrie snorted. “Phil works fast, then. Good for him.”

“Carrie!”

“I’m only joking, sweet. What’s happened?”

“Just got an email from the landlord at the new place. I’m still all approved to move in there, but they found mould, and termites, and a bunch of other shit.”

Carrie clicked her tongue. “That’s an inconvenience.”

“An inconvenience?! Carrie, it’s a fucking nightmare. They’ve said I can’t move in for at least a month, if not two.”

“Well, I agree with you that you’re in a bit of a pickle.”

“A pickle?! Carrie, that’s the understatement of the fucking century,” Dan moaned.

“Dan, calm down. Have you signed a contract with them? If not, you can just find somewhere else, no?”

“Of course I’ve signed a contract with them, Carrie, I’m a complete and utter twat.”

She sighed. “I’ll agree that that does complicate things. But if you’ve signed a contract they’ll have to compensate you.”

“They are. They’re lowering my rent for the entire contract and they’ve offered to put me up somewhere. But the places they’ve offered are a full hour away from Phil, which was just so not the point of moving.”

“You know you’re welcome here, right?” Carrie offered.

“I know, and I think I’ll have to take you up on that, at least for a week or two while I sort this mess out. Are you sure you don't mind?”

She squealed. “It’ll be like a week long sleepover! I’ll come over now and grab some boxes. See you soon!”

Dan chuckled quietly as he hung up the phone, throwing it into his backpack and sighing loudly. 

“Well, shit.”  
———————————————————————————————

“Hi Philly, how are - woah, you okay?”

Dan let the door close gently behind him and he jogged to the bed, where Phil was laying motionless. He dropped to his knees beside Phil’s head and waited, anxiously, as Phil opened his eyes and stared at Dan.

They stared at one another for some time, Dan waiting painfully as Phil just watched him, before letting his eyes fall close again.

“Phil?” Dan whispered, his voice breaking.

Phil’s eyes opened slowly, and he blinked at Dan two, three times.

“Babe, are you sick? What’s wrong?”

Phil gave the tiniest shake of his head as his eyes slid closed again.

They sat in silence until Phil cleared his throat. Dan jumped, his hands fluttering around, wanting desperately to touch Phil, to hug him and hold him and stroke his hair but being terrified of setting him off.

Phil cleared his throat again. “Just sad. Is that okay? I’m just….sad, today.”

Dan let out his breath loudly, a sense of relief washing over him that Phil was still there, and still talking.

“Yes, Philly, that’s okay. I’m kind of sad too, today.”

Phil opened his eyes and looked at Dan, blue eyes dull and lifeless. Dan smiled softly at him.

“If not, I understand, Phil, but can I touch you?” Dan asked anxiously, a lump in his throat as he waited.

Phil’s eyes fluttered closed again and he let out a deep breath. 

“Please, hold me. Please, Dan.” he begged quietly.

Dan didn't hesitate another second before climbing onto the bed, wrapping Phil tightly into his arms and pressing his face into his hair.

“I’ve got you, Philly. You’re okay.”

Dan felt Phil’s shoulders start to shake and he held onto him even tighter, his heart breaking as he heard Phil’s muffled cries.

“I l-l-love you, Dan. I’m sorry I’m so fucked up. Please don't go.” Phil sobbed.

Dan drew in a sharp breath. “Never, Phil, my god. Never. I love you so much. Now shh, you’ve earned a day of silence, I think. Don't push yourself to talk, take it easy and shut off a little today. I love you, I’m not going nowhere.”

Phil pulled away from him for a moment to look into his eyes. “Thank you,” he whispered raggedly. 

Dan pressed his lips to Phil’s forehead firmly. “Don’t thank me. I love you, Lester. You’re safe with me.”  
————————————————————————————————-

The door shut softly behind Dan as he crept out of the room, Phil breathing heavily in sleep, even after Dan had woken him up just a few minutes ago to say goodbye. 

Dan sighed, rubbing his hands over his face in exhaustion.

“Dan?”

Dan closed his eyes in defeat, wanting nothing more than to escape and sort out his house situation, before turning around.

“Evening,” he replied monotonously.

Louise frowned. “I was just dropping in some cookies for Phil, but Nurse Alison said it was best to not go in? Is everything okay?”

“Yes, everything’s fine, Phil’s fine. He was sad today, and he had a bit of a cry, but he’s okay. He’s bound to be sad sometimes, just like we are, I guess.”

Louise blew out her breath. “Oh, thank you, Dan. That’s a relief.”

Dan smiled tightly at her. “No problem. Excuse me,”

He started walking away, waving halfheartedly at Doctor Nicholas behind the desk when he felt Louise grab his arm.

“Dan, what’s wrong?” 

He stopped short, breathing through his nose heavily as he closed his eyes in defeat. Louise turned him around, her eyes widening in alarm as she saw tears slipping out of the corners of his shut eyes.

“Right, let’s go for a walk, love, come on,” she told him, putting a firm hand on his back and guiding him out of the isolation ward. It was all Dan could do to put one foot in front of the other and keep up with Louise’s brisk pace.

They stepped out of the hospital, and Dan let out his breath in a huff as the cold fresh air hit him. 

Louise rubbed his back. “Come on, want to go walk through the park? I’m not letting you leave in this state, before you argue.”

Dan chuckled. “Don’t worry, I wasn't even going to bother. Park sounds good,”

They started walking in silence for a few minutes before Dan cleared his throat.

“I don’t even know why I was so upset, I’m sorry for back there,”

Louise shook her head. “Don’t apologise, Daniel. What’s going on?”

He sighed. “I mean, it’s all just mediocre, first world problems. Firstly, my milk was off this morning, which fucking sucked. Then I stubbed my toe getting dressed. Then, I got an email saying that my new flat won’t be ready for a very long time, and I don’t know what I’m going to do with all my stuff, or where I’m going to live. And then my trains were all delayed, and then…fuck, I sound so selfish, but I could have really used Phil’s happy, cheery self to make myself feel better, but he was upset, so that was stressful. And I can’t help but worry myself sick that he’s going to snap and go back to the unresponsive shell he used to be, because now that I know what life is like with him, I don't know how I could go back to living without him. I…I think I might become an unresponsive shell if he leaves me.”

He blinked hard as another tear escaped, and he scrubbed his face with the back of his hand. 

“God, Dan. Okay, so biggest issue first. What’s happened with your flat?”

Dan sighed and told her what the email had said, and his discussion with Carrie.

“So why do you not want to stay with Carrie?”

“Well, I would. I do, actually. But her flat is so freaking tiny, and even though I know she wants me to stay for now, after four nights we’d be fighting like cats and dogs and tripping over one another’s feet. Let alone with all of my stuff in there as well, it would be a nightmare.”

Louise tutted. “Okay, so stay with me. Next problem?”

Dan stopped short and turned to face Louise. “What?”

She smiled at him. “Stay with me! Well, us. I share a flat with PJ and Sophie, have we mentioned that? We used to have my sister living there as well, but she’s got a job up north, so she’s gone and we have a spare room. There’s plenty of space there for you, and we’re about a 7 minute walk from Phil.”

Dan opened his mouth and closed it again like a fish, while Louise laughed. “Of course, you don't have to say yes right away. Think about it, and if there’s some place else you think of, I won’t be offended. But for now, it can be back up plan, no?”

He nodded. “Yeah, it’s…yeah. I’ll think about it for sure. Thank you, Louise. But I’m sure PJ and Sophie like their space, and they probably wouldn't want -“

“Hush, Dan. I could call them right now and they’d organise a car to pick up your things. Don’t let your mind convince you not to take this. If you want to, we’d love to have you. Promise.”

“I promise I’ll think about it. Thanks, Louise. Seriously.”

She smiled widely at him. “Don’t worry, Daniel. Now, onto my other problem child. Any idea why Phil was so down today?”

Dan should his head. “No clue. I just walked in and he was lying down, and he told me he was just sad.” 

Louise tutted. “I suppose you were right, earlier. He’s bound to not be happy all the time. I guess we should look at it as progress, that’s he’s having a full range of emotions and learning to deal with them all in a healthy way, rather then shutting them all out, and us with them.”

“Yeah, that’s…true. I can acknowledge that that is completely logical. Just him being down after the house drama, it sucked. It’s not his fault at all…I don't know, it just was bad timing.”

They started walking again as Louise hooked her arm through his. “You’re allowed to be sad as well though, Dan. You aren’t Phil’s carer. You’re his partner, and you guys need to be equals. I’m sure he'd be devastated if he knew you were struggling today, but that you hid it from him. He would have looked after you, if you’d given him the chance.”

Dan mulled this over, staring out at the sun as it lowered, sinking the sky into darkness. 

“You know I’m right,” she sang.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Fuck off.”

She laughed loudly and Dan felt himself smiling softly. 

He couldn't point out when it happened, or where, but somehow his true friend list had grown.  
———————————————————————————————————————-

“Hey, Philly. How are you today?”

Dan stepped into the room cautiously, feeling his body sag with relief as Phil made eye contact and smiled at him immediately.

“Missed you,” Phil murmured as closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Dan in a tight hug.

Dan chuckled, squeezing Phil back. “Missed you too, goofball.”

Phil pulled away and pressed his lips to Dan’s in a slow kiss.

Dan smiled into the kiss. “You’re feeling better.” 

“I am. But, more importantly…are you feeling better?” Phil asked, leading Dan to the couch.

Dan frowned. “What?”

“Dan.”

Dan groaned loudly as the pieces connected in his head. “Louise came and saw you, didn't she.”

Phil smiled a little. “She might’ve, yeah. She’s just worried about you, Dan. And so am I. I can’t believe you didn't tell me what was going on.”

“Philly…it’s nothing personal. You just weren't feeling like yourself, and I didn't want to make it worse.”

“But Dan, you don't get to decide that for me!” 

“Phil-“

“No, Dan, listen. I get it. I’m in here, and I have been for years, and I’m unstable and fragile and fucked up. I get it. But I’m in love with you. And I want to be there for you, like you are for me, all the time. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to start treating me like your partner, or I’ll always be an invalid.”

“It’s so not that easy, Phil.”

“Of course it is, You just open your mouth and tell me what’s wrong, like I do with you!”

Dan scoffed. “Sorry, like you do?! You spent literal years as a mute, Lester. Check yourself.”

Phil recoiled as if he’d been hit and Dan immediately regretted his words.

“Phil, I so didn't mean it like that.”

There was a pregnant pause between them before Phil sighed.

“I know you didn’t.”

“You just don't get it, Phil. I’m…I’m so terrified of losing you, babe. I just want to protect you.”

Phil shuffled forward. “I do get it, Dan. I promise. But you need to trust me, like I trust you. Can you do that?”

Dan grabbed his hands and pressed kisses to the back of each palm, never breaking eye contact with Phil.

“I can. I do. Trust you, that is, Philly. I’ll start opening up more.”

Phil smiled. “I know it’s hard to believe, but I'm not actually made of glass. I’m not as fragile as I look. Let me share your stuff, like you share mine.”

Dan cradled his face in his hands. “Fuck I love you, Lester.”

Phil grinned at him. “Love you too, cabbage-head.”

There was silence for a minute, before Dan lost it and started laughing so hard his cheeks hurt. Phil chuckled too, looking very pleased with himself for making Dan laugh.

Dan calmed down after a few more minutes of loud cackles, and he straightened up suddenly.

“Hey Lester. Don't tell me we’ve just had our first real argument, AND made it through without screaming at one another or bursting into tears?”

Phil considered this. “I do believe we have, Howell.”

“Fuck yeah. Go us. High five me, mate,”

Phil wrinkled his nose. “I dreamt about kissing all the way down from your forehead to your toes last night, Dan. Don't call me mate.”

“Whatever you say, mate.”

“Dan!”


	9. Chapter 9

“Philly, I got you this crazy new drink from the secret menu at Starbucks, you’re going to freaking die - oh, what’s up, Doc? Everyone?”

Doctor Nicholas laughed at him from where he was perched on the couch and Louise, PJ, Martyn and Cornelia all gave him a wave. “Good morning to you as well, Daniel. Come and take a seat, would you?”

Dan nodded easily as he grinned at Phil, who had jumped off his chair and was holding out his arms in anticipation.

“Be with you in a sec, Nick, I must provide your patient with cuddles first, it seems,” Dan joked as he wrapped his arms around Phil and pressed his nose into his hair, breathing deeply.

“Hullo,” Phil mumbled, his face buried in Dan’s shoulder. 

“Hello, you. You okay?”

Phil pulled away and rubbed his nose against Dan’s before kissing him softly. 

“I’m perfect, now. Missed you.”

Dan grinned. “Missed you!”

Martyn chuckled. “It’s been about 12 hours, you two. You’re pathetic.”

Phil giggled, pulling away and taking Dan by the hand, leading him to the couch.

“Listen, Older Lester, I’ve spent way too much of my life without this one next to me. Any minute of separation causes me severe physical pain, I swear to you.” Dan deadpanned.

“The sad part of that is, Dan, I’m almost certain you aren't even joking.” Louise commented with a smirk on her face.

Phil snorted as Dan shrugged. “I can neither confirm, nor deny, Pentland.”

Doctor Nicholas laughed. “Well, irregardless, how about we fix that issue, huh?”

Dan and Phil turned to each other, confusion evident on both of their faces before turning back to the Doctor.

Doctor Nicholas cleared his throat. “I mean, the issue of you two constantly being forced to be separated.” 

“Wait - you want Dan to move in here? With me?” Phil asked.

Doctor Nicholas smiled gently. “No, Phil. I definitely don't want Dan to move in here…I want you to move out of here.”

There was a long moment of silence.

Dan was aware of Martyn whooping and pulling Cornelia into his arms as she laughed gleefully. He could see PJ running his hands through his hair, a huge grin threatening to split his face in half while Louise was clapping her hands together, eyes wide with unspilled tears.

He was aware of all of this happening, but he couldn’t bring himself to move a muscle. The words ‘move out of here’ were ringing in his head, over and over, and he blinked slowly, feeling like he was underwater.

Phil’s coming home. He’s coming home.

Dan felt a single tear roll down his cheek, and his eyes fell closed as the ringing in his ears sounded even louder.

All of a sudden, he realised he could feel Phil shaking, and his eyes flew open as he suddenly discovered that the ringing he could hear was Phil sobbing.

Without a moments hesitation he wrapped his arms around Phil and pulled him in tightly.

Phil was openly gasping for air, his arms wound tightly around Dan and his face pushed into Dan’s shoulder.

Dan couldn't help himself from starting to sob as well, laughing through his tears as he rubbed Phil’s back.

“You fucking did it, Philly, you get to come home, I’m so fucking proud of you, holy fuck,”

They sat there, wrapped up in one another for what felt like hours before Phil pulled away and looked at Doctor Nicholas, who was watching them, misty-eyed.

“Doctor Nicholas, I swear, you better not be messing with me,” Phil said shakily.

The entire room laughed, and Dan pulled Phil closer to him, pressing kisses to his temple gently.

Doctor Nicholas cleared his throat and chuckled, wiping his eyes quickly. 

“I don’t think Dan would let me live to see another day if I was messing with you, Phil.”

Dan smiled, resting his chin on top of Phil’s and closing his eyes in complete disbelief, unable to comprehend a world where at the end of the day, Phil comes home with him.

It wasn't something he had allowed himself to imagine before, and it was now becoming reality. He felt like he could faint.

“I’m not saying you need to get out right now, Phil, by any means. But when you are ready, and only then, I think it’s time to pack up your things and start making your way out of here. Not that I don't love having you here, but you’ve kind of been hogging this room, don’t you think?”

Phil laughed, tears still flowing freely down his face as he pressed his face into Dan again, trying to gain his composure.

“Phil, I’m so proud of you. WE are so proud of you,” Louise told him, wiping her ruined makeup off her face.

Phil pulled away from Dan and hugged Louise tightly, then PJ, Martyn and Cornelia. 

They all stood in the room, emotional and overwhelmed, before Phil cleared his throat.

“Right, well you all need to go and get me some boxes, I’ve got to start packing!”

The room burst into surprised laughter and Dan hid his face in Phil’s hair, completely blown away by this person who he gets to say is his.

“Well, Philly, you could technically come with us to get some boxes, you know?” PJ offered. “You’re allowed to leave now, after all.”

Phil shook his head immediately. “Thanks, Peej, but…” he trailed off, not knowing how to explain himself.

“Dan?” he asked, turning to him helplessly.

Dan smiled at him gently. “You want the first time you leave this building to be the last time.”

Phil sighed in relief and dropped his head onto Dan’s shoulder. “Yeah. Knew you’d get it. Thanks.”

Dan grinned. “No worries, mate. I got your back.”

Phll wrinkled up his nose. “God damn it, Howell, we’ve been over this, stop calling me mate!”

Dan laughed loudly, forgetting there were other people in the room and pulled Phil in for a kiss, only pulling away when Martyn gave a very loud wolf whistle.

“Alright, can all of you leave then so I can have a celebratory make out with my boyfriend alone, or what?” Dan asked as Phil hid his face in his hands, groaning.

“Hey, speaking of that, the three of us need to organise a time to sit and have a chat, Dan and Phil.” Doctor Nicholas said.

Dan frowned. “Speaking of what?”

“Making out. Or, more specifically, we need to talk about sex and how you should approach that.”

“WHAT?!” Both Dan and Phil sputtered. Martyn covered his ears with a groan and Louise, PJ and Cornelia all burst into laughter.

Doctor Nicholas grinned. “Well, I’m sorry, but we need to discuss it!” He said, looking the exact opposite of sorry.

“Nope, you know what! I’m done with this, I’m going to hide until you all leave.” Phil ran to his bed and climbed into it, pulling the blanket over his head in a huff.

“Well done, Doc, you’ve just traumatised your patient, who is in here for fucking PTSD. Congrats.” Dan told him, walking towards Phil, as Doctor Nicholas just laughed.

“Dan, we’ve just talked about this. Don’t go near the Phil in the bed until AFTER we’ve had our talk, come on, now!”

“GAAAHHHHH!” Phil yelled from under the blankets as the others in the room nearly wet themselves from laughter. 

Dan froze in the middle of the room, closing his eyes in defeat before sitting down on the floor, groaning loudly. 

“I hate you, Doctor Nicholas. Genuinely, pure, fiery hot hatred is all I feel towards you right now.”

Doctor Nicholas walked over to the door, ushering the others out with him.

“Yeah yeah, Howell. Hate you too. Have a good morning, boys! Sorry for the trauma, Phil.”

The door closed with a click and Dan sighed, still on the floor. 

“You okay, Phil?”

He heard an answering grumble. “No, I’m never taking this blanket off my head again, actually.”

Dan scoffed.

“As if. You’d miss my face too much.”

Phil ripped the blanket off himself immediately as he panted, overheated from being under the covers.

“This is true. Plus, I think I now have heat stroke.” Phil told him.

Dan laughed again. “That’s not how heat stroke works, you dummy,” he joked, while walking over and lying down beside Phil.

They both laid there for. moment, silently thinking about what the morning had brought them.

“Hey Dan?”

“Mmm?”

“I’m coming home.”

Dan grinned. “You’re damn fucking right you are, Lester.”

Phil smiled back at him, rolling and pressing his face into Dan’s shoulder. Dan automatically started carding his fingers through Phil’s hair, letting his eyes close.

“Hey, Dan?”

“Mmm?”

“About…what Doctor Nicholas brought up earlier…”

Dan opened one eye warily. “Go on…”

Phil cleared his throat. “Well, you know. How he was talking about…THAT.”

Dan snorted. “What? Sex?”

Phil crinkled his nose in dismay. “Well, you don have to put it like that, Dan, geez.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, did that upset you? Next time I’ll call it bumping uglies. Doing the no pants dance. Two person push ups. Stuffing the taco. Riding the flag pole. Slamming the ham. The good old lust and thrust. The-“

“Oh my FUCKING god, Dan, please stop.”

Dan burst into laughter at Phil’s outraged face and pressed a giggly kiss to his temple.

“Sorry, love. What about it?”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Well now I don't want to talk to you about it!”

“No, okay, I’m sorry. I’ll be serious.”

Phil sighed. “I guess I’m just…wondering…”

“…wondering…?” Dan prompted, smiling encouragingly at him.

“Wondering if that’s something…you’d maybe want to do…with me…?”  
“Wait, are you fucking serious right now?” Dan asked.

Phil looked at the floor. “I mean, I know I’m kind of messed up, and I probably look so gross because I haven't indulged in any form of self care in literal years, and I get why you probably wouldn’t want to -“

Dan leaned forward and firmly kissed Phil on the lips, trying to calm him down.

“Phil, you’re so silly. Babe, of course I want to. DUH. Don’t ever think that shit about yourself again, okay? You’re beautiful, and I want to, and we will.”

“When I’m ready?” Phil whispered.

Dan looked at him softly. “When WE’RE ready, Philly. Both of us. It’s a big deal for me, too.”

Phil looked into his eyes, a worried look on his face. “Okay, but Dan…I’ve never…”

He trailed off, looking away, and Dan felt like his heart would burst from the overwhelming fondness crushing him.

“Hey, that’s okay, Phil. I haven't with a boy, so it’s new for us both. But we’ll work it out, yeah? It’s you and me. We always work it out.”

Phil looked at him, smiling. “I want to, as well, Dan, with you. I want to so badly.”

Dan groaned a little, shifting forward and leaning his forehead against Phil’s. “And we will. I promise, I’ll make it so good for you, babe. Everything is so good when it’s you and me, you just wait. Our life is going to be a hell of a ride.”

Phil smirked. “Which one of us will be riding, exactly?”

Dan gasped. “Philip Michael Lester!”

Phil threw his head back in laughter as Dan sat there, shocked.

“You can’t have actually expected me to sit next to you every second of the day and stay as innocent as I was, you know! At some point you were bound to start rubbing off on me.” Phil pointed out.

Dan just winked, and Phil frowned for a minute before letting out a loud groan. 

“All jokes aside…you’re coming home, Philly. We’re packing up your shit and we’re walking out of here and we’ll never have to say goodbye when we don't want to again. I’m so proud of you.”

Phil grinned, his tongue poking out of his mouth and threw his arms around Dan tightly, wrapping him in a warm embrace.

“I love you.” Phil whispered.

Dan whispered back. “I love you more, Phil.”

He kissed his temple gently, and then grinned, lowering his head to Phil’s ear and muttering, sweet and slow. 

“And also, I’m totally going to be the one riding you. I want to feel you, everywhere. That sound okay, to you?” 

Phil immediately pulled away, groaning in what sounded like pain as Dan snickered. 

“You can’t keep doing this to me!”

Dan smirked. “Watch me., Lester. Watch me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> geeeeez, i am SO SORRY for the unexplained disappearance. life kind of kicked my ass for a while there. hope you guys like this chapter! also, if anyone would maybe want to beta this for me/help me plan out the rest of this fic (bc im feeling a little stuck and id love someone to bounce ideas off) pls let me know! you can let me know here, or message me on twitter (@_hellohowell)
> 
> x


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> this chapter contains brief descriptions and mentions of physical abuse, (false) accusations of pedophilia, homophobic slurs, verbal abuse and suicidal thoughts and attempts. please be aware of this whilst reading and if necessary feel free to skip this chapter. stay safe pals x

Days turned into weeks. Phil packed away his bookshelves, his photo frames and blankets, folding them all away with the upmost care and gently placing them into boxes, getting ready to move his entire life into the outside world. Dan watched with a smile, interjecting with jokes and cuddles when needed, but for the most part letting Phil take his time.

They left the room again and again, practicing wandering and exploring new spaces. Phil now met Dan in the lobby rather than his room, claiming that he couldn't wait the few extra seconds it took Dan to get into Phil’s room before seeing him. Dan was just happy Phil was leaving the room unprompted.

They played hide and seek with their entire group of friends, Nurse Alison giving away all of their hiding places as soon as Phil smiled at her and asked nicely. They practiced talking, playing stupid icebreaker games, making up for the time they'd lost. They sang and yelled and laughed for hours and hours.

They bickered. Good god, did they bicker. Dan learnt very quickly that Phil liked it, liked when Dan didn't treat him like he was glass and bared his teeth a little. They constantly sniped at one another, making little digs at one another expense, broken up with laughter and grins and kisses until their relationship became as easy as breathing, neither one of them knowing where one ended and another began.

Dan packed his things as well, carting them out of Carrie’s shoebox of a flat and into Louise and PJ’s house, rather begrudgingly. He refused to spend the night there until Phil did, but they all knew it was any day now.

They had the chat with Doctor Nicholas. Phil refused to look up from the door the entire hour and 10 minutes and Dan tried his best to be the mature one and take everything in while constantly sniggering under his breath. They promised they'd take things slow and retreated to their room, where it was awkward for approximately 7 minutes before they both burst into laughter. 

Dan looked around the almost empty room. Phil had packed his toiletries the day before, and all that they were waiting on was Phil to feel ready. Ready enough to leave this room, this place, this world that he’d made for himself and enter the real one. 

“Dan?”

Dan turned and looked at Phil, a soft smile on his face. Phil was perched on the couch, watched Dan solemnly.

“Yeah, nerd?” Dan asked, a little concerned. Phil swallowed loudly and Dan shuffled closer, frowning.

“Shit, Phil, you look so serious. What’s wrong?”

“Nothings wrong. I just think…” he trailed off, closing his eyes and rubbing his face.

Dan waited with bated breath, suddenly terrified.

Phil looked up, a firm expression on his face. “I think, before I go anywhere, you need to know why I’m in here.”  
———————————————————————————————----------------------------------------------------------------------------------——

They sat across from one another, mirror images, both cross legged on the floor, just like they'd sat that first day Dan had barged his way into the room, all that time ago.

Dan had flicked the lights off, lighting a few candles to give them enough light to see one another, but not so much that it was overwhelming. They'd gone into the lobby to watch Doctor Nicholas pull the curtain in front of the two way glass behind Dan, believing him when he promised that this story was for Dan’s ears only and that no one would be listening in or watching.

They sat looking at one another for what felt like hours, their knees touching gently and Dan tracing loops into the floor while Phil worked up the courage to talk.

“You know, Philly, we really don't have to-“

“Shut up, Dan.” Phil murmured, rubbing his hands up and down his thighs.

Dan widened his eyes. “Yep, sure. Got it.”

Phil sighed. “Sorry, Dan.”

Dan smiled softly at him. “Don’t worry, babe. I can take it. Whenever you’re ready.”

“I just…I don’t want you to look at me differently after this.” Phil whispered.

Dan shook his head, before leaning forward and cradling Phil’s face in his hands. 

“I think that no matter what you said, I would look at you the same way. I’m in love with you, not your story. Just you.”

Phil smiled gently at him, before taking a breath.

“So, I mean, high school was shit.”

Dan grimaced. “Fuck, you know I never meant any of it, I-“

“No no, Dan. You were never the issue. If anything, I enjoyed hating you, and you hating me. In a way, it always felt like harmless bickering to me, and surely you’ve realised by now how much I love that?”

Dan nodded, a warm feeling of relief curling in his stomach.

“No, you were never the problem. It was the other assholes, the ones on the football team who smoked pot during break times and beat everyone up. I don't think you ever really had much to do with them.”

Dan shook his head. “I was an absolute douchebag in school, and everyone knew it. I was just a piece of work. I think that kind of gave me immunity with those guys.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn't so lucky. They hated me, and not in the way you did. They would wait for me after classes, after Newspaper Club, in the change rooms at PE. They'd beat me up, push me over, steal my books. Whatever they wanted, really.”

“Their girlfriends were almost worse. They’d whisper when I walked into a room, giggle when I would walk by them. They'd start rumours that I peed my pants in class, or that I was mentally sick and needed help. The worst one was when I used to volunteer in the Primary School. I just love kids, they make me happy. But they told everyone that I was a pedophile, and that they had caught me being inappropriate with one of the Year 2 boys. It spread like wildfire, and even though they knew it wasn’t true the school wouldn't let me keep volunteering. They somehow found a way to ruin everything, especially the things I loved. I sometimes saw the kids when I was out, and I had to lie to them about why I didn't come and play with them anymore. It broke me.”

Dan felt his heart clench as he thought of teenage Phil, being accused of awful, sickening things when he was the most gentle, pure, good person Dan had ever met. He could just image how accusations like that would absolutely shatter Phil, and it made him want to go back and time and protect him from everything and everyone.

“I had friends, though. PJ and Louise, Jack, Dean, Hazel. They made high school alright, but they had their own drama happening that they had to deal with. None of them were hated as much by this group of kids as I was, and to this day I don't really know why. It’s annoying, to be honest, to not know what the hell you did to make so many people want you to suffer.”

“It got to the last year and I knew I wanted out of this town. I needed to get away from these people, and I threw myself into research. I found the University of my dreams, and worked my ass off the whole year to get there.”

“My parents weren't too happy about that, though. I’m the baby of the family, and they wanted me to stay close to home. They told me they wouldn't help me pay for that school, only the one closest to them. So I got a job. You remember Blockbuster?”

Dan frowned. “That old DVD rental place?”

Phil nodded. “The one and only. I got a job working there, which was a miracle considering I was 18 with no work experience and not many places were hiring. And so I started saving. Pretty soon, the guy that hired me quit and a new boss started. And things started to go downhill very fast.”

“The new guy was called Michael, and he was an absolute prick. He hated everyone, and constantly treated us like shit. Everybody quit within a month, except me. So I became his personal target.”

“He would single me out, tell me I was useless and that I’d never get another job. I’d make one mistake and he’d talk about it for months. I’d do twenty things right and he’d take the credit for all of them, or somehow turn them into a negative. He was the worst, he made me completely miserable every shift.”  
“I tried applying for other work, but wouldn't get calls back. The ones that did call me back wanted reference letters from my previous employer, and Michael laughed in my face when I asked for it. I couldn't quit, because as much as I hated it, I needed the money. So I suffered through it. It got worse though, when I came out to my friends. I don't know how, but it went through the whole school, and everyone knew. And then Michael found out as well.”

“Turns out a guy who is already a complete and utter asshole is even worse when you find out he’s homophobic. The abuse got worse, to the point where he would physically whack me when I stuffed up. Which I was doing all the time, because I was so nervous.”

“I tried to quit, twice. I figured no amount of money was worth it. But he punched me both times, and told me if I did he would make sure I was never hired again, anywhere.”

“I know how stupid I sound. But I was young, and terrified, and I believed him. I needed to get out of this town. So I kept showing up, and suffering through it.”

“And then I met Carter.”

Phil’s face darkened as he said that name, and Dan scooted even closer. He knew it wasn't a time for him to speak, so he settled for taking Phil’s clenched fist and rubbing the knuckles gently. He wanted so badly to offer some reassurance or love, but he knew it was Phil’s turn to talk, uninterrupted, to tell his story.

“Carter was a regular to the store. He loved movies, and he was in all the time. One time he heard Michael call me a faggot while he thought the store was empty. He stood up for me, and told him to fuck off. When Michael was trying to defend himself, Carter punched him square in the face. Michael banned him from the store, and when I left my shift that night and Carter was waiting for me. And the rest was history.”

“It was the first time someone had stuck up for me. I felt loved, and protected, and cared for for the first time in so long. It felt like he was the only light in my life.”

“I know now that if I had opened my mouth and let my family or friends in on what was happening, that they would have been there for me. But I was ashamed, so I just let myself distance further and further from them, until Carter was the only person I cared about in the world. My friends stopped reaching out. I fought with my family constantly. They didn't know what was going on, at school and at work. The only person who understood was him.”

Phil laughed humourlessly. “Carter liked that, too. He liked that I turned to him first. He was my entire world, and he loved that.”

“Over time, he became more and more overbearing. If I mentioned anyone else’s name he would get jealous. I had to spend all of my free time with him. If I tried to cancel on plans to do homework or study, he would be furious. It was easier to just do what he wanted. But the thing was, I liked spending time with him. He was nice, and he loved me. So I never fought it too much.”

“He…he kept trying to push me into going further with him, but I wasn't ready. The thought of being more physical with him made me feel sick. I never really understood why, but I think now that I probably just knew in my gut that he wasn’t good, and that he wasn’t the one. I would instinctively panic if he’d get too close.”

“All we had done was make out, and I would freak out anytime he would try and take things to the next level. We’d fight, and I’d apologise, and we’d make up, only for it all to happen again a few days later.”

Phil closed his eyes. “The day we broke up, he organised a picnic dinner for us. We sat under a tree and everything was fine. And then he started kissing me.”

“I let him for a while, but soon I could feel myself starting to feel sick. I pushed him away, and he…snapped. He pushed me and hit me, kicked me in the stomach as I laid there, apologising frantically. He finally stopped and I opened my eyes to see him standing over me. His eyes were so angry, Dan. So angry.”

“He spat on me, while I laid there. I had never felt so disgusting, so…unhuman. And then he…he said… ’You’re a good for nothing fag, and I promise you no one could ever love you.’. And then he got in his car, and left me there.”

A tear rolled down Dan’s face as he stared at Phil, this beautiful, broken boy who had dealt with too much. Who deserved none of it.

“I sat there for a while, freezing cold, with a dead phone, having no one to call. It started to rain, and so I left all of the picnic stuff there and started to walk home. It took me so long, Dan, and I got lost so many times. I was just about there when I realised I didn't even have my wallet. I had left it at the park, and I couldn't even remember at that point how to get back there, so I just kept going. ”

“I finally got home and walked inside. Mum and Dad had already gone to bed, and when I got to my room, there was a letter. From the University.”

“It was a rejection letter. I spent my last months with Carter not studying at all, and it showed in my grades. All of that work, all the abuse, for a letter that told me I wasn’t good enough, and that I would never get out of this town.”

“So I went to bed. And I cried for hours. And then the next day, I got up, got dressed, and drove my car back to the picnic spot where he had left me to get my wallet. And as I was driving, I realised I just couldn't do it anymore. There was no point. I had burned every relationship I had, for him. I had lost all my friends, my family barely spoke to me. I had committed so much energy to getting out of this town that I had pushed away everyone in it, even the good ones. Every part of my life was black. I didn't know how to make it colourful again. So I saw a tree, and instead of turning my wheel to go around it, I pushed the accelerator.”

Silence rang loudly as they both sat, tears rolling down their faces. Phil cleared his throat, a wet whimper escaping briefly before he took a deep breath. 

“And then I woke up in here. And I was lost. I couldn't look at anyone, or talk to them, or touch them. I was so ashamed, and hurt, and broken, Dan. I was so broken. I was so alone, but at least that was safe. Being alone meant the only person I needed to trust was myself. So, I existed alone. Firstly by choice, but after a while I forgot how to not be alone anymore. I was screaming out, trying to get someone to realise that I was still here. But I was so lost in my own head. I don't even know how long I was in here for, existing alone.”

He let out a small sob as he looked up at Dan, a tiny smile on his tear-streaked face.

“And then there was you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, i want to apologise if some people were hoping for more from this chapter.
> 
> i know this has been a very long time coming, and i really am not convinced that i gave phil's story the writing it deserved. i just couldnt bring myself to go into more detail than i did. im sorry if that has annoyed anyone :(
> 
> hope you enjoyed it anyway, and the next chapter is already written and not far away at all.
> 
> stay happy, kids x


	11. Chapter 11

Dan wasted no time before pulling Phil into his arms. He could feel the boy break against his chest and start weeping, loud sobs filling the room. Dan could feel himself shaking, and willed the tears to stop pouring down his own face. He needed to be strong now, for Phil. He could be sad later.

“I’m so sorry, Phil, I’m so fucking sorry,” he whispered against the boys hair, gently rocking them both back and forth. Dan pressed his lips to Phil’s temple, the top of his head, his hair, everywhere and anywhere he could reach. He slipped his hands under Phil’s shirt and ran them up and down his back in big, soothing circles, humming mindlessly to try and calm Phil down.

Phil just kept sobbing, arms wound tightly around Dan and shudders wracking his body. Dan squeezed his eyes shut, overwhelmed with the heartache Phil had faced. 

In the midst of Phil’s cries, Dan found that his humming had turned into actual words, clumsily sang under his breath.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…”

As he sang softly, Phil’s cries quietened to hear the song, first in volume and then morphing into heartbroken whimpers and hiccups. Dan kept singing, over and over again as he felt Phil’s exhausted bones sink into him, his body a heavy weight against him.

“Please don't take, my sunshine, away…” he trailed off finally, as Phil dragged his head up and pressed his forehead against Dan’s.

“I’m…I’m so sorry, Phil…” Dan whispered as Phil’s eyes closed as another tear leaked out.

“You didn't deserve that. Any of that. Those people…the kids at school, your boss, Carter…none of them deserved for you to even be a part of their lives. You’re good, and kind, and so fucking strong…none of us deserve you.”

Phil chuckled softly, wiping his face with the back of his hand. “I don't feel very strong. I’m sat here in a mental hospital, where I’ve lived for years.”

Dan shook his head firmly. “But you are, Phil. So strong. Instead of letting those people destroy you, you’re here, fighting. Every day you wake up and fight a battle within your own freaking head. They tried to break you down, wear you out, but instead of that you’re fighting back. You’re getting better every day, and I’m so fucking proud of you. We all are.”

Phil sniffed loudly. Dan pulled him in again, breathing him in deeply.

“I wish there were words for me to explain how much I love you, Phil Lester.”

Phil laughed. “You don't need them. I can feel how much you love me every time you look my way. Your eyes give you away.”

Dan groaned. “Damnit. Gotta work on that.”

Phil giggled softly as he kissed Dan’s shoulder. 

“For what it’s worth, I love you more than I knew it was possible to love anyone or anything. Sometimes it physically hurts me how much I adore you.” Phil admitted.

Dan smiled gently. “Do you think when we leave here we’re going to be less mushy?”

Phil frowned. “I hope not. My favourite part of me is that I love you.”

“Me too, Phil. Me too.”

The room fell into silence, leaving them both to their thoughts. It was just them, two boys, both slightly broken. Both with awful, painful stories. Two boys that just wanted someone who understood, someone who got it. Two boys that didn't mean to fall in love but did anyway.

It was just Dan and Phil. Sitting in the middle of a white room, holding one another tightly. They were both exhausted, both needing time to come to terms with the night’s events, and yet they were still sitting there, holding one another as if it was all they had left.

Eventually, they made it to the bed, and just when Dan was sure Phil was asleep, Phil opened his eyes blearily.

“Dan?”

Dan hummed.

“I want one more night. One last, nice night here, with you. I don't want to leave with this being the final night here. One more night, if that’s okay. But after that…can we go home?”

Dan felt his face almost split in half as he smiled. “Yeah, Philly. One more night, and then let’s go home.”  
——————————————————————————————————————-

“Hi, my love. You alright?” Carrie called out as Dan finally trudged into her kitchen, dropping his backpack with a thud.

He didn't even bother answering her, just met her eyes and watched her face fall from confused to concerned in seconds.

“What’s happened?”

Dan sighed, sinking into a chair. “I just found out why Phil ended up in there in the first place.”

Carrie blew out her breath, sitting next to him and cupping his cheek. “That must have been hard. Are you okay?”

“Not really, no. But I will be, I think. I just haven't really processed anything yet. Had to be strong for him.”

She smiled at him. “Of course you did. I’m so proud of you, my love. You’re such a good boy.”

He smiled wearily back. “Am I good to jump in the shower?”

“Of course. I’ll have a cuppa waiting for when you get out. I got a new body wash, it’s tingly mint. I thought to myself - surely they didn't need to add the ‘tingly’ part. We all know what mint is, and tingle isn't a scent. They’ve just added that for advertising purposes. Used it tonight and…well, fuck me. It packs a tingle.”

Dan snorted. “Brilliant. I’ll give you my review when I emerge.”

It was only after he had gotten into the shower, the mirror steaming up as hot water pounded onto his exhausted muscles that he allowed himself to let go. He sobbed for Phil’s parents, not understanding what was going on with their son, probably not even now. He cried for Martyn, leaving his happy baby brother when he went to University, and coming back to a completely different person - but not knowing how or why he had changed. For the children Phil had volunteered and spent time with, who had loved him and then who were suddenly left to wonder why he had disappeared. 

He wept for Louise, and PJ, and the rest of Phil’s friends, who hadn't realised how much Phil was dealing with, until it was too late. He imagined them reaching out, trying to communicate, worrying, and getting nothing in return, and his heart broke.

He wrapped his arms around himself, breaking over and over again as he wished he hadn't been so selfish, so awful back then. Wishing he could have done something. Wishing he had have noticed.

He sobbed as he considered the fact that maybe he was part of the problems’ at school. Sure, Phil had said he wasn’t, but what if he had been? What if he had done this? What if, rather than hateful and spiteful comments, he had offered his friendship? What if he could have stopped it?

But most of all, he cried for Phil. He cried for the pain he had been through. For the bullies that he'd had to face. Words that had been thrown his way, over and over again, by so many different people, until he had started to believe them. For the times he’d been pushed, kicked, tripped and punched. For the lies that had been spread. For the times Phil was constantly offered a lifeline, only to have it ripped away. 

He cried for the most beautiful boy he knew, having to deal with the most ugly of situations.

Finally, when the water ran cold, Dan caught his breath. He was curled on the floor, and he gingerly stood up, stretching his aching muscles as he quickly grabbed the shower gel, scrubbing his spent body. 

“Well bugger me, it is tingly.” he muttered, rinsing off quickly, mentally reminding himself to tell Carrie when he got out.

He wrapped himself in a fluffy towel and sat on the closed toilet lid, allowing his mind to drift until he was completely dry and his hair was starting to curl. He pulled himself up, feeling exhaustion wrap around his limbs as he yanked some pants on, before heading out to have some tea.

Carrie took one look at his bloodshot eyes and pressed a small, simple kiss to his cheek, before pushing him gently into the sofa and placing a steaming mug in his hands.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Carr.” He told her offhandedly as he took a sip.

She clicked her tongue. “Never asked you to, Daniel. Not to worry. How’d you find the wash?”

Dan chuckled. “Surprisingly tingly. I know you had warned me, but I wasn't prepared. Since when can a body wash do that?”  
————————————————————————————————————  
The next morning, Dan felt lighter. He packed most of his things and told Carrie that he’d be moving into Louise’s place tomorrow, if everything went to plan. She fake cried (as he’d expected) but then immediately commented on how much she’d enjoy air drying in her flat again (also as he'd expected).

He made it to the hospital in record time, waving at Nurse Alison and seeing Doctor Nicholas gesturing him over.

“Sup, doc?”

He smiled. “Dan, how are you?”

Dan sighed. “I’m…alright, actually. I was a bit of a mess last night, but I'm much better now. Was just a little overwhelmed, I think.”

Doctor Nicholas nodded thoughtfully. “I’m sure you were. I can’t imagine it was a particularly nice story.”

Dan shook his head. “Can’t say it was, no.”

There was a pause. “Forgive me, Dan, I’m really not meaning to pry, but considering I’m about to let Phil walk out of here tomorrow without knowing the exact cause of his condition…I’m hoping you’ll be able to reassure me?”

Dan frowned. “How? I’m not going to tell you, Nick, that’s Phil’s story.”

“Of course, of course. I’m just hoping, now that you’ve heard it, you can reassure me that there aren't any tests that I should have conducted, or avenues I should have explored. That, because I don't know the full story, there’s nothing I might have missed.”

“Ah.” Dan’s eyes widened as he realised what Doctor Nicholas was concerned about. “No, he’s okay in that sense. Nothing like that happened. Jeez, that must have weighed on your mind a while, Doc. I’m sorry.”

Doctor Nicholas smiled tightly. “After years of treatment, you can’t help but assume the worst. Not that I imagine his story was much better, but at least I know he’s healthy, physically. No underlying diseases I haven't tested because I was scared of setting him back.”

Dan patted his shoulder. “You know, I don't think I’ve really told you this before, but you're a good doctor, Nicholas. Thank you, for everything you've done. We both really appreciate it.”

They shook hands, and Dan updated him on the proposed moving out plan tomorrow before heading into Phil’s room.

He stopped at the door, feeling his heart clench tightly as he looked at Phil, curled up on the sofa, sound asleep. Tiny little snores escaped his mouth as Dan approached him and sank down onto the floor, leaning in and kissing his forehead.

Phil hummed a little and Dan smiled, kissing him again. 

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.”

Phil opened his eyes blearily and smiled goofily at Dan. “Hey, I dreamt you were here and here you are. I’m psychic.”

Dan chuckled, ruffling his hair. “Nope. I’m just predictable. You okay?”

Phil sat up, yawning and stretching his arms above his head. “Yeah, actually. I feel good. It’s weird, but I think telling you all that was important. I feel like I can finally leave this place."

Dan grinned at him. “Those are a lot of thoughts for someone who just woke up, you know,”

Phil laughed. “Hey! I can be sleepy and still wise. I’m amazing.”

“Yeah, Philly. Yeah, you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know what you think about this one! your reviews genuinely make me feel so much more motivated.
> 
> i would also love to know (aside from dnp of course) who your favourite character is in this fic?? there are a lot of extra characters in this story and id love to know what you think of them
> 
> have a great week and stay happy, kids
> 
> xo


	12. Chapter 12

Dan groaned loudly as Phil’s shoulders shook against him.

“Phil Lester, I am OFFENDED at how bad that joke was. I don't know if this is gonna work if the only jokes you know are worse than a cold fondue!”

Phil grinned even wider. “Now, that was cheesy, Dan.”

Dan groaned louder and flopped onto the bed, burying his head in a pillow as Phil giggled above him.

“Uh, we aren't interrupting anything, are we?”

“Peej!” Phil cried happily, leaping off the bed and skipping over to wrap him in a hug. PJ laughed gleefully and held him tightly, patting his back twice before letting go.

“Not at all, Ligouri. Please, come in. Save me from this hell dimension I’ve found myself in.” Dan told him as he sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

“Hello, loves!” Louise called as she wandered in. Phil gave her a hug as well, almost lifting her off the ground and she squealed with joy. 

“My my, aren't you in a good mood today?” She asked when he let her go, before walking over and pressing a kiss to Dan’s cheek.

Phil sat down on the couch, pulling his legs up and grinning ear to ear.

“What’s there to be sad about? The sun is shining, I’m in love with a loser who doesn't know a good joke when it hits him in the face-“

Dan groaned again, loudly, before sitting down next to Phil on the couch.

“-my best friends are here, and I’m leaving this room for good tomorrow. There’s nothing that could make me happier right now.”

Dan smiled softly, pushing his lips to Phil’s temple. PJ raised an eyebrow.

“Nothing, huh? Not even the celebratory slice I made you?”

Phil’s eyes lit up and he reached out with grabby hands. “I take it all back, I could definitely be happier. Give me the slice, Ligouri, no time for dilly-dallying.”

PJ laughed and pulled a container from his backpack. “Here you go, you sugar beast.”

They all sat and chatted for a while, easy back and forth banter before the door opened again and Doctor Nicholas walked in.

“I hear you’re evacuating this place tomorrow, Phil! Handing in your keys and leaving us in the dust, is that right?”

Phil grinned and nodded fiercely, tongue poking out between his teeth.

“I’ll keep in touch and visit you and Nurse Alison, Doc, but I promise you, I never want to set foot in this room again.”

Nurse Alison poked her head in. “Can’t imagine why. It bloody stinks in here. Too many boys!”

“Nurse Alison!” Phil cried, jumping up to hug her. 

Her eyes slipped shut as she squeezed him back, rocking back and forth before pulling away and cupping his face in her hands. 

“My little Phil Lester. Look at you now, my baby. You’ve always been my favourite patient.” She whispered, as he gave her a watery smile back.

“Thank you…for everything, Alison. I mean it.” He whispered. She pushed his hair back from his eyes and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

“I am so fucking proud of you, Phil.”

Doctor Nicholas cleared his throat. “I'm certain I didn't just hear you swear in front of a patient, Alison.”

Dan laughed as Nurse Alison turned to him, a wide eyed, innocent expression plastered carefully on her face. 

“Of course not, Doctor Nicholas!” She replied sweetly.

“Right ladies and gentlemen, I’m off out of here. Howell, come and give me a hug, you rotten boy, you,” 

Dan smiled ruefully at her and hugged her tightly. 

“You take care of my boy, Howell.” she whispered raggedly in his ear.

“Of course. Thank you, Alison. For never giving up on him.”

They pulled apart and Nurse Alison gave Phil one last hug, before heading to the door.

“Don’t think you're getting away from me, now, boys. I’ll be over to visit as soon as you’re settled!” 

Phil grinned at her. “Can’t wait, Alison.”

She blinked away some tears, blew them one final kiss and closed the door.

Doctor Nicholas smiled at them. “So…have you given any thought to what we spoke about a while ago, boys?”

Phil groaned and covered his face with his hands, immediately knowing which conversation he meant while Louise and PJ laughed. Dan closed his eyes in embarrassment for a minute before opening them again.

“Yep, Doc, we heard you loud and clear. We’re going to have seperate rooms, just like you suggested. Space, and seperate identities, and avoiding co-dependancy, and no sex, we got it.”

“This is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening,” Phil whispered over and over again as Louise nearly wet herself with laughter, PJ shaking his head and chuckling.

Doctor Nicholas grinned and stood up, patting Phil on the shoulder. “Good chat, boys. I’ll see you tomorrow. For the last time, Phil…sleep well.”

Phil gave him a thumbs up, head still hidden and Doctor Nicholas chuckled as he left the room.

Louise wiped under her eyes. “Well, with that, it might be our cue to leave as well. We’ll see you tomorrow, Philly, for the first day of the rest of your life.”

Phil sat up, smiling at them and PJ held out his hand, a set of keys dangling from it. Phil took them, holding them tightly in his hand.

“See you tomorrow, roomies!” PJ sang.

They both left the room, and then it was just Dan and Phil, in the white room that had been their entire world for what felt like forever. Phil looked at Dan, a small smile on his face as he nodded towards the bed.

“It’s getting late - you’ll have to leave soon. Want to go lie down for a bit?”

Dan nodded easily, taking Phil’s hand and allowing himself to be pulled.

They laid down, foreheads and knees touching, arms wrapped around one another.

“I can’t believe this is it.” Phil whispered. “Do you remember that first day you came in here?”

Dan smiled. “Course I do. You were a fidgety little shit. An absolute mess.”

“Still a mess. Just a mess who loves you. And can kind of function like a human being, now.” Phil admitted.

Dan closed his eyes, pulling Phil a little tighter.

“Dan…you aren't having second thoughts about living together, are you?”

His eyes flew open.

“What? No, not at all. There is nothing I am more excited for than to live with you, Lester.”

“Oh good. I think mostly I’m excited to not have to say goodbye anymore. I mean, we will, I suppose, before we go into our rooms at night, but I think they’re next to one another, so we could always learn Morse Code and tap out secret messages to one another through the walls,” Phil offered.

Dan smiled again weakly and nodded, eyes closing again.

“Dan…something’s wrong. Talk to me.”

“I’m okay, Philly, just a little tired.”

There was silence, and when Dan opened his eyes again Phil was watching him carefully. 

“You promised not to hide shit from me, Dan.”

Dan sighed. “I know. I’m sorry. I just…”

“You just..?”

“I just…things are going to change, tomorrow. Everything changes.”

Phil frowned in confusion. “Well…yeah. Thank god. Right?”

“Well, I don't know. I guess I’m just worried that things will change in... a not good way. Things are great in here. What if we get out there and..” Dan shrugged, eyes closing again.

Phil took a deep breath. “And I don’t need you anymore.” 

Dan looked at him, nodding his head and watching with careful eyes.

Phil cleared his throat. “Right. I need you to listen to me, Daniel. Because I fucking love you. I love you more than I knew it was possible to love something. You’re like the piece of me I didn't know was missing. I feel safe when you’re near me. When you’re not here I feel like I’ve lost a limb. You make me so happy, so calm, that at any given time of the day I feel like I’m going to burst.”

Dan smiled at him and opened his mouth, but Phil shushed him.

“No, shut up. It’s my turn.”

“I need you, Dan. I need you more than most people do. I’ve needed you to be my voice, to fight my battles for me, to force me out of my own head and into the world again. And you’re right - I don't need that anymore. Maybe sometimes, sure. But not every day. And that’s a great thing. Because now I can just need you for the other things, the better things.”

“I still need you. I need you to remind me to drink water, because I’m just the worst at that. I need you to find my glasses in the mornings. I need you to reach things from the top shelf, because you’re slightly taller than me and it’s annoying. I need you to teach me new songs, music I haven't heard before. I need you to teach me to paint, to draw. I need you to go on adventures with, and to talk to, and to listen to me, and to make me laugh and give me cuddles. I love you, Dan, and I need you to love me, too. And that will NEVER change, no matter where we are. Okay?”

Dan gave him a watery smile, kissing him fiercely, before pulling away. “Okay. I need you, too.”

Phil raised his eyebrows. “And love me?”

“Always.”

“Good.”

Phil fell asleep a little while later, while Dan sang to him softly, fingers combing through unruly hair. He knew visiting hours were over, but he couldn't bring himself to leave this room, this world that they had created for themselves.

“Please don't take, my sunshine away…” he mumbled, staring at Phil. 

There was a gentle knock on the door. Dan turned to see Doctor Nicholas peeking in. 

“Dan…for the last time, it’s time to go.”

Dan smiled at him. “Thanks, Doc.” He leaned down and kissed Phil’s head softly, breathing him in. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, for the first day of forever. I love you.” 

Phil kept snoring gently, and Dan chuckled as he climbed out of the bed. He turned one more time and saw Phil, the moonlight hitting him through the window, the cold, white room around him. 

He nodded to himself, turning away again.

Time to go.

——————————————————————————————————-

The next morning, Dan sat in the reception area. He’d been asked to wait here, while the Doctors and Nurses said goodbye to Phil privately. He’d shaken hands with each one as they left, all with red rimmed eyes and grins on their faces. 

Finally, he saw Nurse Alison walk out, tears still rolling down her face and a huge smile on her lips. He stood up and she ran into his arms, hugging him tightly.

“I still hate you, Howell.” She murmured, and he laughed.

“Yeah yeah. Hate you too.”

She kissed his cheek quickly, before turning and walking away quickly. 

Doctor Nicholas left next, his face red and splotchy with a beaming grin. “Howell, you take care of our boy, you hear me?”

Dan nodded, shaking his hand. “Every day, Doc. I promise. Thank you, for never giving up on him.”

Doctor Nicholas smiled, another tear falling. “It’s been a pleasure.”

They all turned to the glass panel, where Phil was standing alone in the room. He was crying steadily, with his bag secured on his back and his pillow under his arm. Dan waited to see if he should go in, when all of a sudden Phil nodded.

“Bye, room.”

With that, he walked away, never once looking back, only forward. He stepped out, and without turning, he swung the door shut behind him. Dan blew out his breath as the Nurses and Doctors started clapping, whistling and cheering. Phil’s eyes found Dan’s, and he smiled through his tears.

Without looking away, he walked right into Dan’s arms. 

They held one another tightly, before Phil pulled away and looked into the now empty room.

“It looks…smaller out here.” He stated.

Dan watched him carefully. “Yeah, I guess it does.”

They stood together for a moment before Phil reached out and pulled the curtain in front of the glass abruptly. Dan turned, to find Phil smiling widely at him.

“Hey Dan?”

“What?”

“…Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has been a BLOODY LONG TIME COMING
> 
> i hope this was worth the wait!
> 
> also - this is not the end! there is dan and phil house adventures on the way - stay tuned!
> 
> i hope you guys enjoyed this one.
> 
> stay happy, kids xo


End file.
